Cam Cam's Half Birthday

Today little Cambri turns 6 months old. I honestly can't believe it. Except for the fact that I can't exactly remember my life without her. In honor of this enormous day, I have compiled a top six list of my favorite things about her.

1. She is my sweet baby. While my other child, who shall remain nameless, was more like a tornado on speed, Cambri has been low maintenance since day one.

2. Her smile is huge. Oft it is an empty smile but that’s almost the best part. Her innocence is still intact.

3. She brings out the gentle side of the above mentioned other child. While this other child is still not a natural care giver, she is fiercely protective and sweet when little Cam Cam is involved.

4. Little Cam Cam is actually not that little. She dwarfs other baby’s her same age which makes her seem less fragile to her inexperienced mother.

5. When you put her down for a nap, she just lays there, even if she is not tired. This may explain the larger than average bald spot on the back of her head.

6. Once in a while, she lets her Mom get a full night sleep. While it hasn’t occurred lately or any other time in my conscious memory, it must have happened since I’m still functioning at a somewhat respectable level. Part of the joy of Cambri is there is no guessing when these nights will be so they are an unexpected delight.

Here is to another wonderful six months!

Christmas 2009

Christmas morning with the Burkes. Mass commercialism at its best.

The whole experience was extremely chaotic for me which causes my anxiety levels to rise. Izzy kept opening every present she got her hands on. Oh well.

Hell Week

I have always said this blog is about the good, the bad and the ugly. And last week was ugly. I have to say that sometimes I read people’s blogs and it seems like their existence is a real life version of Candyland. . And then you hear the real story and you wonder why they went through the trouble of painting such a pretty picture on the internet when it’s obviously not true. I swear that all these people have really done is become a character witness for their disgruntled spouse’s attorney. But in the end there are probably a ton of reasons why people do what they do and it’s really not my place to judge them. But I have to be honest and say that last week Chase really let me down. A few different times. I felt like he and I were on different wavelengths and not meshing very well. December is the most stressful time of year for me at work. And this is my first year trying to do it all with two kids at home. And I was (and still am actually) completely burnt out. I thought Chase understood this but considering the first three nights he was home, he didn’t even make a move to get up with the baby during the middle of the night when he knew I had to work the next day, I guess he didn’t. It’s hard to keep it all together when you feel like you are alone. I don’t want to bore any of you with the details but we had a series of miscommunications that I’m sure left both of us feeling sour. Trust me when I say that I'm sure this is not a secret to those of you we spent time with. While no one pulled a knife on Christmas Day (thank you Charlie Sheen for that one), there was a point where I wanted to shave the words "I'm a Jerkhead" into my husbands chest hair. The absolute final straw for me was when I asked him in my brother-in-laws girlfriend spent the night at our house and he ignored me. When I asked him again, he said yes in such a way that it made me feel like I was in the wrong. As if asking someone to follow one rule in my own home makes me the bad person. The only thing I expect of Cody is for him to keep the current girlfriend from spending the night. I don’t think it’s appropriate for my girls to see women walking out of his room first thing in the morning. My number one job is trying to raise my kids correctly and establish right from wrong in their minds. I don’t judge anyone for their life choices as I have made a few bad ones myself, but around my kids you can either stand with me or stay away. That really is the bottom line. And so when Chase didn’t choose to stand with me, I felt like someone had actually taken my heart out and stomped on it. One of the hardest things for Chase and I to relate about is that I don't live in a hotel. If I were in his shoes, I could put up with annoyance for one week a month and then go back to hotel world and forget. What happens on Royal Avenue is my LIFE. There is no escaping as I have nowhere else to go. Now obviously Chase and I aren’t headed for divorce court but my feelings are extremely damaged at this point in time. Because this is my blog, you get to hear my side of the story. At this point, I bet Chase wishes he had his own outlet ;)

Burke Family Christmas Newsletter

So I'm running way behind this year. And I only got a few copies of my Christmas newsletter mailed out. I thought I would post it here because I wouldn't want to deprive anyone of the joy of having to painstakingly read through another family newsletter. But here it is! Enjoy!

Please accept my apologies in advance for what may be the most annoying part of your day. This is a mass family Christmas letter. While this correspondence won’t reflect any earth shattering news, I thought it might be fun to write and luckily you have been chosen as someone I would consider likely to read the whole thing. I’m sure you’re thrilled and I’m also sure you won’t be notifying me of any address changes that may be taking place. But you can’t blame a girl for trying, now can you? Mainly all you should expect after perusing this is to (a) be able to confirm our home address and (b) update your mental picture of our two absolutely adorable children.

The events of 2009 unfolded in such a way that we are still left scratching our head in bewilderment. By choice, we doubled the number of children in our family. Going from one to two is actually a lot for people like us but we are starting to get our act together. Cambri Elliott was born on June 30th, 12 days earlier than my official due date, at a whopping 9 lbs 4 oz. Her middle name was in honor of my Grandfather who passed away in 2008, whom we still dearly miss. Since her birth, Cambri has been nothing but a joy. Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) comments on how calm, quiet and happy she is. The most acute and refined of souls ask what medical affliction she suffers from which causes this peculiar silence. These people get the same standard response, delivered with my usual charm, “God makes all his creatures different but we choose to love each and every one of them including you.” In all seriousness, Cambri was born with an ovarian cyst which thankfully has completely cleared up and left her in perfect health. Now we have a wonderful, delightful baby girl whom we cherish everyday. She is already tipping the scales at 17 lbs which is causing some premature backaches among those who hold her most, but she is worth the sacrifice 97.3% of the time.

Isabelle has had an amazing year as well. Not only did she get a new sister, but we took her to meet the mouse last March. By that, I mean we took her to Disneyland for her first time. Like the overexcited parents we are, we had a whole day of fun activities planned out for our little two year old. Much to our dismay, after approximately two hours of waiting in line and two minutes of hanging out with Mickey, Izzy wanted to leave and go to the lotion (you common folk may know it as the ocean). We spent many a night during our California trip, together as a family, watching the sun going down over the ocean, which really was the highlight. This year, Izzy has also started participating in a dance class. I use the term “participating” very loosely as she is often the child standing in the back spinning circles instead of listening. I haven’t been holding my breath for an actual coordinated effort on her part though some kind of return on our investment would be nice. Things are getting better and by her first performance next March, I fully expect she will still be out of sync with everyone else but at least spinning to the beat of the music.

And next is Chase. It would be impossible to speak of him without talking about how hardworking, loyal and loving he is. Anyone who is familiar with him at all knows these things to be true. So I’m going to talk about how far he has come with learning the layout of our own home. It has been a long four year journey, but he finally knows where we keep the diapers, the scissors, our kids’ pajamas and the washing machine. These days I’m less like a tour guide and more like an underpaid employee. I’m loving it. Back to my serious voice, Chase has finished another year with REI Drilling and we are so blessed (I cannot emphasize that enough) that he is not only employed in these uncertain times, but still enjoys the work. His job keeps him away from us a good part of the year, but he is still incredibly involved and supportive which makes things a little easier. We know that he does what he does out of love and that thought is enough to keep this family going. But he is spoiled as well! He managed to squeeze in a Denver Broncos game in which he paid a ridiculous amount of money to be able to sit obscenely close to the field. It really was one of the highlights of the year for him.

And last, but certainly not least, I will give you a quick update on myself. Besides having a baby, raising a three year old and running a household, I went back to work last September after experiencing three months of staying at home with my little ones. Going back was difficult but my family has become quite used to that pesky little thing called “health insurance.” I continue to office out of Grand Teton Mall and commute to Pine Ridge Mall in Pocatello one day a week. This is my eighth year with General Growth Properties and the most unusual one to date. GGP file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection last April, and like my coworkers, I was ready to run for cover. But alas the world keeps turning and believe it or not, Pine Ridge Mall (though not Grand Teton) will be emerging from bankruptcy by the end of December. I guess I will be avoiding the unemployment lines for now. I also made it through the year with only 11 references to my poor homemaking skills. That number being down 1000% from the previous year. The latest attack came from my father in front of numerous extended family members at my aunt’s funeral. It was the highlight of my week, I can assure you. Oh well, each of the 11 statements were recorded in my mental book of grievances, right next to the time when my father wouldn’t let me up from the breakfast table until I finished my malt-o-meal in the 4th grade.

An old Chinese proverb tells us that the journey really is the reward and that is probably the best reflection of 2009 for our small family. We know how fortunate we are to have each other and, most importantly, people like you to share things with. With people in our own country under dire circumstances, we see the beauty in our life and appreciate all of our blessings. I hope you have mildly enjoyed this little update and in case I didn’t paint a clear enough mental picture, I have included something more concrete.

It's All About Me!

Have you met Isabelle yet?

She's spunky.

She loves the camera!

And she is about the sweetest little being you will ever see.

If you haven't met her, please don't judge her prematurely. I know she acts like such a ham in EVERY photo. But it's not her fault if it's engrained into her DNA to be the center of attention at all times, now is it? Let's blame it on Chase.

The B is for Broken Files

So as with most things, I am a work in progress. I’m sure this isn’t a surprise to most of you. My new internal battle is finding the ability accept the things that I can’t change.

Step one: Letting go of broken, physical objects.

When I watched my Grandfather pass, I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I can’t really explain. But the thought that were running through my head was the fact that my Grandpa worked really hard his whole life and had accumulated a lot of material things. Not an abnormal amount but just the standard things that most of us end up with over a lifetime. A car, a house, furniture… Guess what? He didn’t take any of it with him. In the end the only thing that mattered were the people he touched through out his life because his memory lives on through us, not through his things. So now that I have a mental understanding of this, I’m going to start applying it to my life.

Not so easy.

Let me take you on what promises to be an emotional rollercoaster. Actually for you out there in blogworld, this will be quite boring but maybe it will be a good illustration on how you can be vested in your stuff in a way that becomes it WRONG. Because let me tell you, a few of things actually brought real tears to the surface. Sigh.

Example #1 Approximately October 2006

Culprit: Chase

These are matching figurines I brought back from Rome last time I was there. I have actually only been once but I’m easily entertained and I think it’s funny to see people’s reactions when I say “The last time I was there…” Back to the point. They were handmade Murano glass figurines entitled “The Last Kiss.” And I loved them. I had them proudly displayed in my kitchen for over a year. Until my husband was sweeping the floor one night, underestimated how much room was behind him and backed into the wall. They fell to the ground and it was over.

Katie’s Reaction: Screaming. Crying. Overall throwing a hissy fit.

Chase’s Reaction: Profusely apologizing, offering to find a good glass blower.

Example #2 Approximately December 2006

Culprit: Braxton

Something off about this picture? There used to be a medium sized Santa that sat in the middle of these three. I had to come up with the lame tree after my nephew, Braxton, backed into the trio while they were sitting on the bench in front of the fireplace. Chase called and told me while I was at work.

Katie’s Reaction: Asking repeatedly if Chase was sure that it was broken beyond repair.

Braxton’s Reaction: Unsure but am guessing that he heard me on the phone because his next reaction (see example #3) was visibly more shaken.

Example #3 Approximately December 2008

Culprit: Izzy

This one is especially painful because Izzy loved this ornament so much. She was just barely one year old and she looked right at this ornament and said “Gordy” (which is the name of our Chihuahua) clear as day. It was the first time that I ever remember her making the connection between a picture and a live thing. Izzy pulled it off the tree to bring it to me and dropped it on the tile floor.

Katie’s Reaction: Bawled and tried to glue it back together.

Izzy’s Reaction: Looked at me and then went back to the tree to find another “Gordy” ornament. But there were none to be found.

Example #4 Approximately January 2007

Culprit: Braxton

The tall one on the right is jimmy rigged with a paper plate. Just in case you couldn’t tell. They were sitting on my countertop table and my nephew was goofing around and slammed into it.

Katie’s Reaction: Freaked out. Spent a week trying to track down a replacement through the manufacturer to absolutely no avail. I know I’m crazy. That’s why I’m calling myself out.

Braxton’s Reaction: As soon as it happened, he looked up at me with big eyes. I tried to suppress myself though I’m sure I didn’t do a good job.

Example #5 Approximately July 2009

Culprit: Izzy

This one is painful but for financial reasons. I got this ornament when I was pregnant with Izzy and I loved it because it was a First Christmas ornament. I stored it in a special box that was engraved with her name. Sometime last July, she found it and smashed it.

Katie’s Reaction: Sad. But I know the world of Hallmark Ornaments and I know they go on eBay for pennies on the dollar. So I looked this one up. Of course it was the rarest (is that really a word?) one they made that year and they are going for $90! It could have been my ticket out of here.

Izzy’s Reaction: What ornament?

Example #6 November 2009

Culprit: Britney, Cody’s Girlfriend

These teacups have been hanging over my sink for four years. Ever since I carted them 4,000 miles across the ocean last time I was in Europe. I have never had a problem but alas one has been broken. And very recently. Leading to this post actually.

Britney’s Reaction: “That’s really not a good place for those.”

Katie’s Reaction: Trying to be humble, knowing that I have a problem. Outwardly I said, “I know, I will have to move them.” Inside I was screaming, “They have been there for FOUR years without a problem. WTH???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

I told you this wasn’t going to be easy for me. Next time I see you face to face and I start acting like a baby about something silly, please bring it to my attention. I need all the help I can get ;)

Lisa's Place

Call me crazy! But I went to Lisa's Place with:

Isabelle

Braxton

Natasha

AND

Jhanna

completely unassisted. Let me tell you, it an endeavor. When I got the idea to take the girls, Braxton wasn't actually home. So I was going to take three mobile children and my baby. Of course when B-Ray did show up, I couldn't exactly tell him that everyone was going to Lisa's but he wasn't invited. So I cut Cody a SWEET deal and passed off my lovely, sleepy 5 month old in exchange for his very active, hungry 7 year old. It seriously would have been a safety issue for me to take all five kids. A mental health safety issue for myself and a physical safety issue for the kids. It took me 17 minutes to get everyone from the entry way of the house to the vehicle. I'm not exaggerating, I timed it. By the time I got the three girls in car seats and Braxton buckled in, I was exhausted. But I pushed on because I thought it would be a good energy release for the kids. Through numerous nose wipes, potty breaks and emotional meltdowns, I persevered and we had a good time. There was only one empty threat of tying a child to the table on my part so I have to consider the evening a success. Paula’s final got done faster than expected so she ended up meeting us there. Which I have to be honest, I was dreading the load up thing again. There is only so many times a body can bend in the necessary fashion that bucking two children in the backseat of an SUV takes. Trust me when I say I’m getting old!

P.S. In case these photos look familiar, they were taken at Leo’s Place. My ever observant daughter insists on calling it Lisa’s Place because calling it Leo’s makes it sound like “only boys can play there” and she’s a girl. Fun times are heading my way, I can already feel it.

A Promise To You

After reviewing the last two posts, I realized that I have essentially blogged the same thing twice. And you, my loyal reader, are sure to be tired of hearing about my misfortunes. I realize now that I have become that person at the party that most would prefer to stab a plastic utensil into a body part rather than hear the same story for the one billionth time. I want to assure you that I value your time and your readership. You have my solemn promise that I will come up with something more compelling to write about next time. Please accept my dearest apologizes.

But just in case...

You can't say I didn't warn you. As must be apparent to all of you by now, I really have no control over Cambri's behavior.

Tired of Being Tired

Well, I spoke too soon with the last post. Little Cambri acted very naughty on Saturday night and pushed her loving mother to the literal breaking point. I would hope that anyone even remotely interested in reading this would understand that I do love my baby very much. But nothing could make little Cam Cam feel good on Saturday night and she was determined to let me know it. By three a.m. I had been up most of the night and I couldn't take it anymore. Chase hasn't been home since the Friday after Thanksgiving and I can't even tell you how much I had been feeling this. I was spending the night at my parents house and I had to go into their room and tell them I was too tired to do this and I needed some help. Please understand that I know it was technically not their problem and I would never want to push my kids off on them for no good reason. But Saturday night it finally clicked in my head why people shake babies. NO, I'm not saying that its ok to shake a baby. Absolutely not. I'm just saying that people who don't have restraint skills might feel at the end of their rope and think they can't take it anymore. I'm sooo lucky that my parents understood and when I reached out to them, both were willing to jump out of bed and take turns helping me with little Cambri so I could get some sleep. Don't get me wrong, peeps. Cam Cam paid me back the next night by getting me up 8 TIMES. But after a solid six hours of sleep that night before, I was ready and one might even say amiable towards my little bundle at 4am. I swear that a midnight wake up call is the reason God made babies so cute!

Baby for Rent

.

I was going to label this post BABY FOR SALE. But I overrode the innate drama queen inside of me because I thought it best to keep my blog felony free. I would hope there are some other moms out there who can empathize with me that a lack of sleep can do weird things to the mind. Cambri is a horrible sleeper. She is literally breaking my spirit by waking up two to three times a night. After I’m awake, I begin stressing out about not possibly not being able to go back to sleep quickly which essentially keeps me up even longer. So every time I’m up, it turns into at least an hour ordeal. Can you see where I’m going with this? I know my sister-in-law has been doing this for 4 years and I literally think she must be bionic. After five months, I have hit the quota of compassion that I can possibly pull out of my system at 3 am. Last night, I was so tempted to see if I could wait her out and will her back to sleep by praying really hard. It didn’t work. In fact, she woke Izzy up so I had two joys to deal with instead of only one. Izzy wanted me to turn on The Backyardagains at 4:27 this morning. All I can say is that Chase is on extreme baby duty as soon as he walks in the door. You can only imagine how thrilled he is going to be.

Izzy's First Sleepover

Izzy had her first sleepover with people that we aren’t technically related to. It was actually at our house, not that Izzy wouldn’t have been willing to go somewhere else. As I have written about before, my kid has no fear when it comes to leaving me behind. Paula was watching her for me once and she actually asked when I was coming back. When Paula told me this, I was pleasantly surprised. Only then did Paula tell me it was followed up with, “But you aren’t going to let her take me, right?” Honestly, I think it is really just because the girls have so much fun together. When Natasha and Jhanna spent the night, everyone had a ton of fun. The plan was to watch Christmas movies and eat popcorn. But the kids literally ran around and played all night and were asleep within 20 minutes of being in bed. Nice for me! I was puzzled as what to feed the kids the next morning as I typically don’t cook very well. So Paula and Radu went to the store and came to our house to make french toast. They even brought their own grill thingy (for the life of me I can't remember what it is called, but I do have one!) so I didn’t even have to do dishes. My kind of breakfast!

A Players

I honestly feel as though I can’t breathe today. It’s one of those feelings that seems like if you stop making the conscious effort to keep the oxygen coming in and out then you would begin to suffocate. I keep telling myself that I’m an A player and A players keep going no matter what. I really couldn’t tell you why this makes me feel better but it does. But today has been very difficult. My dear auntie passed away around 3am this morning and the loss has been more devastating than I could ever describe here. She was the most thoughtful, loving, compassionate person I have ever met and the world was a better place when she was here. My tears are selfishly for myself but also for her kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews that will have to face everyday for their mortal life without having this wonderful being with us. My kids will never know the superb person that she was and that makes me inconsolable. I keep reminding myself that I am an enhanced human being for seeing her example and trying to live it but I really am having a hard time today. While her faith allowed her to see the good in this situation, I’m having a hard time coming accepting this as final for the next possible 50 years of my human life. I keep thinking about the last time that she was conscious enough to speak with my grandma, which was sometime last week, when she told her about her experience the night before. She said that someone rang her doorbell and when she went to answer it, it was my grandfather dressed in a black suit. He said, “Hidey ho friend. You can come with me.” While my grandpa has been gone for over a year and probably never uttered the words “hidey ho” in his whole life, my aunt felt a great deal of peace after the incident. I don’t know much about the business of dying and I’m not sure the good Lord sends out spirits to collect souls, but I would like to think that He passes on visions and dreams that give the dying comfort in their final moments. And it was good for me to know that my aunt found comfort in my Grandpa because I miss him so much and am anxiously waiting for us to be reunited as well. I know that my aunt is up in Heaven right now holding her baby and will never feel pain again which is for the best (but seriously, do people really think the words “it’s for the best” will make you feel better?). As far as I go, I’m trying to get through the day with a smile on my face until I can go home and be alone. That’s what A players do, right?

Cambri Is All Grown Up!

I'm kind of having a baby crisis. Now that I can have any more kids, I really, really want one. While my reasons for not having anymore still stand, I feel like my little baby is slipping away because she will FIVE months old on Monday. Last night I woke up and I was sad that Cambri is growing so fast. It was two in the morning and those hardwood floors feel cold that time of the day, so I woke Chase up and sent him to go get her. Which he did. And she was so happy to see me that it made my day.

Changing Diapers

I think most parents would probably agree that changing diapers is not one of the most desired tasks. And it's not one of those things that you can do once and get a nice long break from which helps you slowly start to forget the torture. Like labor. Or football season.

So when Isabelle volunteered to change a diaper, who was I to stop her? I thought it might be a good experience. And it probably was for her. But not for little Cam Cam. If you think she looks uncomfortable in the picture above, then your surveillance skills are spot on and you can go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back. Isabelle treated my poor baby like she was a freakishly limber carnival side show. And her unmotherly parent was too busy taking pictures to attempt a rescue mission.

What you don't see in any of these pictures is the pile of diapers on the other side of the baby. This photo montage seriously took about 20 minutes to get through because Izzy would pull out a diaper, try to put it on and fail because she had no idea what she was doing. Which I find rather remarkable as she has been in the diaper business for 3+ years. But after she worked with a diaper for a few seconds, she would announce that it was intrinsically flawed as it was too small, too big, broken, not shaped the same way as baby or it made Cambri cry because she didn't like it. In case you are wondering, Cam Cam was crying because her ankles weren't made to bend 180 degrees. But alas, Izzy did finally complete her first diaper change (semi) unassisted and when she needs to do it again 30 years from now, she will be (semi) qualified. 

The Perfect Wife

Can I just say that I work with some amazing people? I love coming to work mainly for my coworkers. At both malls, I consider these people to be my friends above anything else. But lately I have been thinking about how lucky I am to have two especially wise ladies that I can count on to keep my head clear and my mind focused on the bigger pictures of life. Kelly is sooooo smart! One of the things I like best about her is her ability to look past the actions and see the intent of any given situation (especially of husbands, its her gift ;). Trust me when I say there have been a lot of times when I have been grumbling about people when she makes me see that said persons heart has been in the right place. For example, I once told her how frustrated I am because I will try to do nice little things for Chase, like buy him something special at the grocery store or run an errand for him, but he never seems to reciprocate without being asked. And she pointed out that if I was only doing it to receive something in return then I wasn’t doing these things for the right reasons and that when you give a gift, you really shouldn’t expect anything in return or it’s not really a gift. Like I said, I love her because she is so smart! She has listened to me so long some days that most people would probably have told me to take a hike. But she never does. She lets me vent and then points out the most insightful things that really add value to my life. And I also have Sherri. Let me tell you, Sherri has sent me home in tears more than once. Not because she has been mean or anything but because she makes me think about hard things. Just last week, she told me that the biggest obstacle for her in getting over her husbands passing is looking back and seeing little things that she would have changed and situations she would have reacted differently in. And now she is working on fixing them moving forward in her current relationships but what she really wants to do is go back and correct them for him, which isn’t possible. This of course got me thinking about things I would want to do differently. And it’s not too late for me, so I shouldn’t wait. I seriously woke up at 2 am bawling because I was remembering times where I have been a little too demanding and EXTREMELY unforgiving and I don’t want to wake up here on earth one day without Chase and have to remember these things. I keep telling Sherri that she is my therapist and it’s her job to teach me her life lessons. I’m sure she enjoys the job (insert sarcasm here). But she has always been very open and that is one of things I appreciate the most about her. Now don’t you all see how lucky I am? If someone could combine these two ladies in my head, Chase would have the perfect wife.