A Players

I honestly feel as though I can’t breathe today. It’s one of those feelings that seems like if you stop making the conscious effort to keep the oxygen coming in and out then you would begin to suffocate. I keep telling myself that I’m an A player and A players keep going no matter what. I really couldn’t tell you why this makes me feel better but it does. But today has been very difficult. My dear auntie passed away around 3am this morning and the loss has been more devastating than I could ever describe here. She was the most thoughtful, loving, compassionate person I have ever met and the world was a better place when she was here. My tears are selfishly for myself but also for her kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews that will have to face everyday for their mortal life without having this wonderful being with us. My kids will never know the superb person that she was and that makes me inconsolable. I keep reminding myself that I am an enhanced human being for seeing her example and trying to live it but I really am having a hard time today. While her faith allowed her to see the good in this situation, I’m having a hard time coming accepting this as final for the next possible 50 years of my human life. I keep thinking about the last time that she was conscious enough to speak with my grandma, which was sometime last week, when she told her about her experience the night before. She said that someone rang her doorbell and when she went to answer it, it was my grandfather dressed in a black suit. He said, “Hidey ho friend. You can come with me.” While my grandpa has been gone for over a year and probably never uttered the words “hidey ho” in his whole life, my aunt felt a great deal of peace after the incident. I don’t know much about the business of dying and I’m not sure the good Lord sends out spirits to collect souls, but I would like to think that He passes on visions and dreams that give the dying comfort in their final moments. And it was good for me to know that my aunt found comfort in my Grandpa because I miss him so much and am anxiously waiting for us to be reunited as well. I know that my aunt is up in Heaven right now holding her baby and will never feel pain again which is for the best (but seriously, do people really think the words “it’s for the best” will make you feel better?). As far as I go, I’m trying to get through the day with a smile on my face until I can go home and be alone. That’s what A players do, right?