I will try harder. I will work harder. I can be better. I promise.
But for today, I have had to go back. I have had a post brewing about my mom. And I have to get if off my chest.
Can I have one more day to bore you? Please?
I think when you lose someone, you subconsciously start looking for signs that would give some kind of indication that they are still with you. Somehow.
And I see my mom in the clouds.
I took this while driving 80 miles an hour out the window. So obviously it doesn't capture really how beautiful it truly was.You will have to take my word for it.
Before you call the loony bin and have me carted off, I really don't mean literally see my mom in the clouds. It's a very figurative feeling peeps. But there is something so heavenly about a good cloud scene that I can clearly picture my mom in heaven, sitting at the base of the throne. In the presence of Jesus, loving him with her whole heart.
And in that moment, if even only for an instant, I feel happiness. And thankful that I KNOW I will see her again. I can't wait. And happy that she is in a perfect place and no longer deals with trivial matters of this world.
So you can imagine how much I love the clouds. I feel very peaceful looking at the clouds.
It's my new happy place. I finally traded in that old beach mental picture that I have carried for years.
Another funny thing about losing a loved one is that you stop fearing death. I don't know that I ever really feared it. I probably just didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it.
But now I can say I'm ready. Whenever. Wherever.
Until then, I have been working on me.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I pray for people who have lost both parents.
Or buried a child.
Instead of dwelling on the feeling that I don't have anyone that specifically has a vested interest in ME, I remember the parent I do have left. And I know he would do anything for me. And I give myself a mental slap for being so selfish.
Instead of remembering my mom and crying, I remember her and how wonderful she was and I smile. And I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude that she was my mom and that I got to experience her goodness for 26 years. Because some people don't even get that in their lifetime. The sacrifices she made (some of which I can barely start to fathom) blow my mind. I see other parents on a daily basis who wouldn't do that for their kids. To be honest, I can't judge because I don't even know what I would do. Would I be that selfless? I would like to think so but who knows?
So I guess I can say that some healing is taking place. It takes time. So much more time than I probably would have ever allotted for somebody else had I not understood. I hope that I can ask forgiveness of these people someday. Seriously.
So another grateful item of note. I have an amazeballs husband who has cried many a tear with me. I have an awesome sister that I miss with my whole heart now that she lives so far away but who is always up for a chat when I'm down. And I'm going to stop listing because I will forget someone. But there is a long list of family, in-laws included, and friends who have stood by me.
Even when I probably wasn't that fun to stand by. Namely because I have had several breakdowns in the presence of these people. In private and in very public places.
And they have always stayed. And to my knowledge never expessed my freak-of-natureness to other people. Even if they thought it in their heads.
So I owe a lot thank yous.
Thank you.Thank you. Thank you.
If I see you in public and don't thank you, then feel free to slap me. I give you permission.
No comments:
Post a Comment