5 Months Feels Like Forever

I simply cannot believe that is has been five months since my mom passed away. Trust me when I say that it feels like a million years in terms of trying to accept the idea but it feels like just seconds since I last saw her face. No way did I ever think that I could do this without her for five minutes, five seconds, five milliseconds and yet here I am writing on the fifth month anniversary. What I have come to realize is that I can do it, I really just don’t want to. I want her to be here to enjoy Izzy, Marley and Cambri. Now here comes the selfish part. I want her here listen to me. To watch the kids for me. To call me. To hang out with me. And yet I still spend most nights alone. Sometimes I sit on my couch and stare at the door to just try to remember what it looked like when she came walking in. To me, hard is something that goes away. School stresses you out, the semester ends. The car needs major work, payday rolls around. It is just a matter of playing the waiting game. But now I’m playing the game with no end. No matter how hard this is, no matter how much time passes, no matter how much I wish and pray that it was different, this is it for me. My Aunt Cathy and her family recently came to visit (yay!) and I bawled like a baby when they left. They probably thought I was a psycho but honestly I feel like every tie I have to my mom is slipping away. It's a very empty feeling. I know that I will start forgetting and the thought keeps me up at night.

I miss you mommy :(

To my friends and family out there, I want to apologize for my selfishness for the last five months. I have had friends have babies, get divorced, get married and otherwise deal with life changing moments and they probably feel like I have checked out. Please know that I haven't and I want to make things up to all of you. I will try to get my head focused and being engaged in life again. That's the goal anyway.