I heard a chicken scream last night

 I bet you want to know what's going on in the Burke house. I can't lie. Things have been a little cray cray. For example, we moved back in to our little house within the city limits. And I have decided not to get cable. It's been two weeks and I haven't really noticed. I can't lie, every time I see a Keeping up with the Kardashian advertisement, I start to twitch. I think to myself, "How can there possibly be a world where I can't keep up the Kardashians?" And then I remember that now that I'm broaching 3-0, I need to let go. It's time.

But in other "happier" news, we recently procured a small four legged creature.

Actually not that small. 38 lbs of high maintenance dog. 

Random story: I was at work, paying for my children to be at the sitter so my husband could concentrate on moving when I get a picture of a dog texted to me. Knowing there was no way my husband was anywhere else besides our storage room or our house, I thought it was a joke. 

Turns out it wasn't. 

The ADD had set in and my husband showed up at the animal shelter. The next day he tricked the kids into falling in love with an animal that was way too big for our small backyard. 

So we all went back to the shelter. When Hayden was first released from her kennel, she charged at me and knocked me to the floor. Out of excitement, I'm told. The whole time we were there, I kept trying to drop reasoning comments such as "Wow, this dog has a lot of energy." and "Hmmm. I bet she takes a lot of exercise and I'm really busy as is." and "Well if our backyard had a fence a small, small dog might make sense." and "We can absolutely not leave with this animal."

But alas, Hayden has found her new "furever" home. And things went really well for the first 48 hours. Which, to be honest, was 47 hours more than I was expecting. I had lots of help. She calmed down. But then good old regular day life reared its ugly head. Chase went back to work. And I am completely on my own. 

Knowing this breed (she's a German Shorthair Pointer) requires a lot of exercise and stimulation, I try my best with her. 

For example, I now GET to spend my lunch hour driving home to let her out.

I GET to get out of bed 30 minutes early to feed her and throw her ball for a while. 

I GET to come home to find my trash can contents spewed around the kitchen. 

Aren't I lucky?

Back to the title of this post. I picked her up one day on my way to go get the girls from P's house. 

P has chickens. 

Hayden is, by nature, a bird hunting dog. 

I was going to keep her in the garage. But the kiddos didn't know she was in there and left the door open when they came through. 

Did I mention these chickens are free range chickens?

When I heard Hayden was let out, P and I looked at each other. She said,"It'll be ok."

When the bestie has hesitancy in her voice when she says it will be ok, it probably won't be. Two minutes later, Natasha came in and said with a matter of fact tone, "Hay Hay's killing a chicken." 

I ran outside to hear a chicken screaming. It's a sound that will never escape me. If I didn't love chicken so much, I would probably stop eating it. My own child was crying (I mean SOBBING) in the corner as she held her dog's back legs with every ounce of energy in her body. 

The dog had a mouth full of feathers. And was frantically pawing her way forward. 

The chicken had rammed itself into a two inch crawl space between the coop and the fence. And it was screaming for its life. 

Let's just say the next few minutes were a whirlwind that involved me pulling the dog off. Her escaping and trying to dive under the coop. The kids screaming hysterically. 

It was a scene of mass chaos. 

Amazingly the chicken survived. A few tail feathers gone but otherwise no worse for the wear. Isabelle was taught a mighty fine lesson that day.

Bird dogs kill birds.

That's the end of the story so far. Except for this little gem.

Last night Chase tells me on the phone, "I don't know why you are so stressed out. Dogs are supposed to your friend, your constant companion. Just love her a little more."

The five minutes of silence that followed were me Googling divorce attorneys. I'm not even going to fight him about dog custody.

Just kidding. I was really looking up how to ship an animal to Virginia. I think Chasey needs some constant companionship in a 10X12 hotel room. Don't you?

New York Say What?

Greetings from the Big Apple. Actually, from the Big Potato but this post is really about New York City because I just got home yesterday. And let me tell you, it was a rocking good time.

First the most important thing. We saw Joan Rivers. In person. We turned a corner off Park Avenue and there was a black town car sitting right in front of an awning. We were walking by and I look up through the open door, to see Joan’s glorious albeit plastic, face virtually floating down the stairs. So I said “Hey Joan Rivers. How’s it rolling?” JK. JK. I grabbed my sister’s hand and squealed like a fifteen year who just made the varsity cheerleading squad. And of course, she flipped around just in time to see Joan get in the car. It was all very low key. No paparazzi. No adoring fans (besides us). But totally awesome. Here is the photo proof.

No it’s not great photo. In fact, it will require a lot of trust between you and I. But take my word for it, JOAN RIVERS IS IN THAT CAR. We actually aren’t adoring fans but it was still fun to randomly see someone famous.

But let’s go back to the beginning. Our dear hubbies arranged a trip for my sister and me to travel to the city sans kids. SANS KIDS. For five days. It was a little cray cray without my little peeps following me around, and I most certainly missed them, but I came back feeling so refreshed. We did all of the touristy stuff. Of course. But I do have a little highlight list for you of the BEST moments.

• When we arrived at our hotel it was close to 2 a.m. We were tired but extremely excited. Terrance, the friendliest person I have ever met at 2 in the morning, greeted us as he checked us in. When he saw my license, he said, “I don’t think I have ever met anyone from Idaho. What’s the club scene like out there?” I, knowingly being facetious, said “You mean the Sam’s Club scene?” He didn’t even laugh. At this point, I was beginning to realize people in NYC don’t really get me.

• At one point, we were at our hotel traveling upward on the elevator. A couple got in after us and after pushing the fourth floor button, asked if they could push ours as well. After explaining to them that we did in fact know how to operate an elevator and we had already pushed our button, they marveled that we were on the 16th floor with an awesome view of the Empire State Building instead of close to the ground staring at an alley like they were. We told them that we told the front desk we were from Idaho, so he had moved us up. That, my friends, is a true story. All of a sudden they were laughing so hard. So we started laughing with them. Ours was more of a nervous laugh because it was kind of a small elevator and being in tight quarters with men displaying erratic behavior can be intimidating. When they finally caught their breath, they said, “That’s sooo great. We’ll have to remember that next time we check in somewhere. Where are you really from?” Let’s just say, we all got to know the meaning of dead silence when we confirmed the Gem state really was our ol' stomping ground.

• After visiting the World Trade Center Memorial, we got on the Subway to travel south. Once we sat down and pulled out the map, we realized we weren’t that far away from where we wanted to end up so we started planning on how to get back to that exact same station. Our conversation was something like this:

Heidi: We could go up two stops and that station has a platform in the middle so we could jump right back the south traveling train.

Katie: Or we could go up four stations and jump on the R train which would come back down and drop us off only one block further away.

Stranger: You realize the train isn’t moving yet right? You could seriously just get off and still be here.

Such a great point. Heidi and I were laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe. The train that we had just got on was at the end of its line and was parked as they were changing conductors. It wasn’t moving. The doors were wide open. We just had to walk out to be at the exact same location that we needed to be in. You know, instead of waiting ten more minutes, traveling two stops north and waiting for a southbound train to take us back to the same spot. This is why people think that saying you’re from Idaho is a joke. Natives shouldn’t travel to places where they have to use critical thinking skills. Or, in our case, just thinking skills.

• We were on the lookout for the people that sell cute purses. Well actually, Heidi wasn’t. Only I was. But once we found them, let me tell you, it was on. I found what I was looking for and started negotiating my way to a lower price. While my sister just sat there slack jaw as the man and I “Yo Mama’d” our way back and forth. Finally I had to yell at her to pull out her money and pay the guy before he changed his mind! As we walked away my sister was in shock. In fact, her exact words were “I feel as though everything I have ever believed in has been shaken.” Such a drama queen. She wasn’t used to me taking charge in such a brutal negotiation but we got smokin’ cute purses out of the deal.

Well my friend, thanks for sticking with me through that journey. I hope you can tell that New York was a great time for me and my little sister. A nice vacation from everyday life. I can sum up the rest of the trip in case you are interested. We saw. We ate. We shopped. We ate. Good times. Good times.

El Gordo

Well peeps. It's been a sad week in the Burke house. Our beloved chihuahua Gordy is no longer with us.

You can imagine the reaction of our emotionally charged five year old. And her mother. And her father. We were hysterical. And then there's Cam Cam. Who keeps telling us that Gordy is at PaPa's house. I want to hold on to the two-year-old response because it's so pure and unassuming. Not jaded like the rest of us humans get.

The dog could seriously be a pain in the batookus but now that he's gone, I feel very sad. This morning I went to let him out and it took a good 10 seconds before I realized that there was nothing to let out.

Death is a funny thing, right peeps? Yes, Gordy was just a dog so we aren't grieving his loss like we would a human. But he was a dog that was part of our family for seven years, as long as either of my kids remember. We will miss him. And we are sad for him. He was a gift from my mother so that is a connection that no future dog could ever replace. So we are still grieving.

We took him on our road trip to Denver so when the Houdini like dog escaped, he wasn't familiar with the area and wandered out on to a busy street. His death was instant with no pain but there were some moments of sad "what ifs" which of course I felt the most. I should have arranged for him to kenneled or taken care of but I didn't and I can't go back. We try to teach our kids the importance of instant forgiveness and if we can't forgive ourselves instantly, then we can't expect the same of them.

So our puppy is gone. We will recover. Obviously. But it might take a minute.

"A really companionable and indispensable dog is an accident of nature. You can't get it by breeding for it, and you can't buy it with money. It just happens along." - E B White

I miss you!

Hey my blogger peeps! I miss you. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

Now that I'm a professional writer (aka an unpaid intern for a magazine on which the primary demographic is male) I write all the time. And it's so cleansing.

But this, of course, is still my favorite outlet. I had to let you know that I turned in my first cover story this week. So exciting. It's a feature about a luxurious product that mainly appeals to men.

So naturally my introduction included a reference to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I mean they are the definition of luxury, right?

My horrified husband made me remove it. He said he wouldn't want to read a magazine where their primary readership not only understood but APPRECIATED such a mention of the above listed show.

WTH.

Of course then I was pissed that I let him read it and plant the seed of self doubt. I mean RHOBH define luxury. I know that, you know that. Apparently a typical man does not know that.

I was tempted to stay true to myself and leave it but alas I could not. I was hoping that my editor would tell me that my intro didn't really make sense so I would have a reason to send the original in. But he didn't. And now the world will never see my beautifully thought out introduction of how I learned everything I need to know to educate the consumer on this wonderful product by watching too much TV.

The point of this story is that I feel that every person should have a partner that talks them back off the ledge. What would I do without mine?

Oh and I just accidentally stapled my finger. So maybe I need a partner that wants to teach me how to use office supplies correctly.

The Pros of Faking a Pregnancy at Work

So now that I'm part of the working world again peeps, I am a million times more busy. How does that work? Add one thing to the plate and lose every spare minute of free time.

But let me tell you, there is something to the saying "Work like you don't need the money." Or in my case, "Work where you don't get money regardless of need." It's so refreshing not to feel any kind of pressure. Just be in an environment where I can soak everything up.

Now you must be wondering how the title of this post plays into my unpaid internship. Let me set this up for you.

Last Wednesday as I was driving into work, I was thinking about Burke baby number 3. I tell you this to let you know that my head was totally in Mommy mode.

I was in my office when a coworker stopped by to get me set up for one of their internal computer programs. We were having a pleasant conversation when he dropped the "How far along are you?" bomb.

My hands instantly started to sweat. My stomach felt light. Panic started to set in.

 I fully believe that honesty is always the way to go but I also feel as though I have an obligation not to ever make anyone feel uncomfortable.

I was caught. Because I'm not pregnant. I'm not capable of being pregnant.

So I went with "Not very." As in not very, not at all.

And then he said,"Oh I heard that you were a senior."

To say there was 30 seconds of complete silence is not an exaggeration. It took me at least that long to process that he was talking about how far along in school I was. Not anything to do with pregnancy.

Damage control Katie. Damage control.

After I composed myself, I launched into a whole speech of how excited I am to graduate, my school schedule, my after graduation plans blah, blah, blah. As I'm chattering away, I'm hoping that he will forget I ever said anything that may have referenced the 9 month flu.

Everything seemed to be going fine. But the moment I took a deep breath, he said, "Oh but you are having a baby too huh?" Obviously it was confusing that I would say "Not very" and then say "Oh yes I AM graduating in May."

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

It was horrific. I was at a loss.

Luckily he left quickly because the system wasn't working.

I didn't know what to do! My boss's office is one thin door away and I'm almost certain he heard all of this. It's kinda awkward that he thinks I'm pregnant and I have never mentioned it.

I quickly texted my sister and asked her opinion.

Her advice? Go on maternity leave.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. No, this problem hasn't been resolved. I don't know what to do.

Are unpaid interns even eligible for leave?

Heck since this pregnancy isn't real maybe I'll "give birth" over Spring Break.

And hide in Mexico with the hubby.

My life is a series of uncomfortable, awkward moments. And most of them I can't even blame on my kids.

Sigh.

I'm Like Chandler

Hey peeps :) Did you guys think I forgot about you?

I hope not, but I have been super busy. Let me tell you why here in a moment.

And now, please forgive me, but it's time for another Friends reference.

Do you guys remember when Chandler got laid off from his accounting job and didn't know what he wanted to do with his life? So he took an unpaid internship at an ad agency. And all his friends looked at him like he was crrraaaazzy.

That's me peeps :)

I am an unpaid intern and I honestly could not be more excited!

When I saw the posting, I thought, "Hey, I'm probably a long shot but maybe I should try."

And then I woke up and realized there was no way I could possibly be considered as I really had no qualifying skills. Trying would be stupid.

But then I thought again, it couldn't hurt.

And then I got an interview. I seriously couldn't breathe.

My first question was "Do you boat?" and that was followed up with "Do you fish?"

I managed to keep my smile plastered on my face but my mind was spinning. Obviously honesty is the best policy but my marketing background was telling me that ANYTHING can be spun positively.

So of course I was honest, but I expressed a desire to learn.

And it was in all seriousness peeps. I am EXCITED to learn.

I went home hoping but not getting my hopes up. When I hadn't heard by Friday at five, I thought maybe it was for the best.

Then I got the email. I was so excited.

And that, my friends, is how I became an unpaid intern.

Wish me luck :)

Pinterest PPAAARRRTAY

Over the holidays I hosted a Pinterest dinner party. It was super fun. At least I thought it was and my guests graciously played along. Of cousre they were all legally obligated being that they were family.

Everything I did I found on Pinterest! Including the name cards. As Martha would say "A dinner party without place cards leaves guests feeling wandering and may even lead to uncomfortableness."

I kind of doubt that but what the heck?

I ended up doing six different desserts, three meats and two different kind of potatoes. It took me seven days.
If you are doing the math here, let me simplify. It equals lots of work.

But it was worth it. At least for me. And my my kids. They were more excited than I was. Every person we randomly encountered heard about it and then was invited. I think we almost had a Walmart cashier talked into coming.

Painting Furnitue: The Right Way

This year for Christmas, Izzy asked for two things. A desk and a bible. Not a baby bible or even a children's bible. But a regular bible "with lots of tiny words."

Yes, I may be raising a small Amish person.

But back to my Christmas story. Isabelle and her desk. It was the only thing she asked for from Santa.

I found this beast on Craigslist. It really is meant for a computer, but I thought that we could make it work.

But lime green was simply out of the question. This is a boy color. 

I thought to myself, it can't be that hard to slap on a new paint color. And I read blogs. I read lots of blogs and some of those writers are naturally crafty. It can't be hard! So I went over some of their tutorials and got tips. That I'm going to combine into MY OWN TUTORIAL. And you don't even have to wait for it. BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY READING IT!

Step 1. Find the piece of furniture you want to redo. I opted to go through Craigslist. When you find the piece you want and come to an agreeable price with the seller, arrange for someone to go with you for pickup. This is two fold. One, you won't have to do all the heavy lifting alone. Two, you most likely won't get your head hacked off if you go in pairs. My hubby was out of town, so I talked my brother-in-law into going. And let me tell you, you can only imagine my nervous tic acting up as we drove further out to the middle of nowhere Firth, in the dark, to a vacant house to pick up this jewel. I'm sure he enjoyed the drive as I spent the majority of the time trying to decide what the probability was that we would end up being decapitated. The further out we got, the more I increased the odds. When a very pregnant woman greeted us, I lowered them a tad. Just a tad. I guess the most important part of this step is to live in order to complete the project.

Step 2. Read tutorials besides this one. This one will actually probably not be be good for much. But as you read through these additional tutorials, take into account that you are probably not as good as these people. This is not mentioned to bring you down. But I have to be honest. The people that write these blogs spend time doing the project and then additional time bragging up the project on the Internet. They must have low self esteem but a craftiness level that is so high it sustains them. But you can do it!

Step 3. All of the blogs recommend that you take the original finish off. But that sounded like a lot of work. And I don't like to touch sandpaper. So you need to find someone else to do it for you. So I cut a deal with my brother-in-law. He sanded it down and I agreed to sell his brand new iPhone 4 on Craigslist. Yes, I had to take an insufferable amount of emails from people named Truly Love and Edward McMahon and thirty other people who were all magically working oversees and wanted me to ship my "item" to Africa to they could inspect the condition. Do people still fall for that crap? Uuuuggg.

Step 4. Now that it has been sanded down, head to Home Depot. Park your cart in front of the painting section and wait for someone to walk by that looks like they know what they are doing. Preferably covered in paint because the odds they have actual life experience are much greater. Cambri watched Spongebob as we waited for our victim. When I found him, he recommended Floteral to keep the paint wet longer but then opted out of posing for a picture with us, so boo on that. Good advice though.

Step 5. Pick out the right refreshment while the hubby primes, paints and cover in polyurethane. I went for a purple rockstar. Yes I was worried about having to use the restroom an abnormal amount of times which would mean leaving my supervisory role but I went for it. It all worked out well as Chasey is naturally talented and I had lots of energy to run up and down the stairs. I also had a blueberry bagel but forgot to snap a pic. Such is life.  

This is pretty much the end of the tutorial. I bet you are wondering why I haven't included a finished project picture. That's the point of doing a tutorial right?  I would but it's all the way downstairs.

And I haven't had a rockstar today.

But Izzy LOVED it and was so grateful. Chase was a little dismayed that the big guy at the North Pole got all the credit.

He got over it. Merry belated Christmas all!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving Peeps! I'm not behind or anything, aye? Considering that two additional national holidays have since passed since that glorious November day.

I wanted to catch you up on the goings on at the Burke house.

But to go back to Thanksgiving, we have to move the mental imagery to the Lanier house in smalltown Missouri. Because that's where we went and let me tell you, it was such a good time.

This is my brother-in-law Josh (and my super adorbs nephew).

He is the funniest guy I know. I'm not even joking. I spend the entire week laughing so hard, I couldn't breathe. Once again, I'm not even joking.

At one point during the week, he slipped his mom's school pic (she works for the school district) into my hubby's wallet.

And when she arrived home, he pretended to "discover" that Chase had been carrying around this picture, right in front of her. The horrified face she made when she thought Chasey was secretly carrying around her picture was priceless. I laughed for twenty minutes.

I can't even type this without laughing again. I'm sure it was one of those you had to be there kind of moments, but I loved it.

As my sister then pointed out, "Josh can intricately plan out every aspect of a joke and carry it out perfectly. But ask him to stop by the store for milk on his way home and it's hit or miss."

Ha ha, She's pretty funny too!

But in all seriously, my sister and I both really hit GRAND SLAMS when it comes to in-laws. Josh and his entire family are so welcoming and loving. I love them all. And Pam is an extremely good sport when she is the butt of Josh's funnies just so he can entertain us :)

Onward with a trip recap. Izzy lost a tooth the night before we left, on our way to Utah. Luckily her grandma was able to play tooth fairy. The five bucks Izzy got really upped the ante from the expired Arby's gift card I gave her the time before.

My sister lives about 30 minutes from the LDS historic town Nauvoo. While it has no religious significance for us, the history and restoration was absolutely fascinating. Chasey loves to study genealogy and he was in heaven. Here he is standing in front of his Great Great Great Grandfather (& namesake) Heber C. Kimball house. When the tour guides found out he was  a decendent, they lifted the velvet rope and let him go and really examine the artifacts. He must have snapped a hundred pics. A tad extreme? Sure. A tad embarrassing? Absolutely. But his geninue excitment was enough for me to hold my head up high and completely fight the urge to pretend like I was with the group in front of us.

In usual fashion, the kids were not that great on the plane ride out there when it was just me and them. And they were awesome on the ride home when Chase was with us. Sigh. The horrendous journey there was probably amplified in my head because we sat on the tarmac for 30 mintues after landing while they found a gate. The flight attendent had let Izzy announce our arrival into the Saint Louis airport over the PA system and so she preceded to ask every 30 seconds if she could say something else. That poor lady never realized what a can of worms she opened when asking a sweet looking child to welcome the crowd to the midwest. I do have to say that Izzy did such a good job while doing it that I was so glad I got it on tape. I tried to post it here, but it won't let me :( Take my word for it, it was super cute. 

My sister got the girls these super cute sweatshirts for Christmas. They love them and so do I!

On the way home, Chase got Izzy and I bumped to first class. It was AWESOMESAUCE. Full meal, plenty of room, full time drink service.

I don't think Izzy really got it. Considering halfway through she asked when the first class thing was going to start. 

That was Thanksgiving in a nutshell. Thanks again Laniers for an awesome week!