My mom and I didn't have much overlapping taste in music. I'm a country girl while she was a product of music being at its hay day in the 70's. She would listen to a classic rock station every morning while getting ready and loved a segment where they played a few seconds of the most random (crappy) song for listeners to test their skills. She called in several times with the right answer. Memories like that make me smile.
One of the CD's we both loved was this one:
In fact we jammed out to it on a road trip we took together to South Dakota to visit my sister one summer. I "borrowed" it and the night before she died she asked for it back.
I told her I would try and remember. But actually I probably had no intent of giving it back to her :) Which I know that she knew.
And now its mine for keeps I guess. Unless Chuck asks for it back on her behalf. Which he will probably do just to annoy the snot out of me. I'll have to "lose" it if you get my drift.
But as I was listening to it this morning, I had another thought of my mom that sometimes haunts me.
Literally brings me to my knees.
Keeps me until the wee hours (11pm), unaware that sleeping hours are quickly passing.
My mom turned 54 January 3rd before March 4th date that she died. If you lost a few brain cells reading that sentence, I'm right there with you because its kind of confusing. If you didn't, you are so smart. And I'm happy to know you :) Just to be clear, I'm still happy to know you either way.
She made a comment right around her birthday that her life here on earth was probably more than half over.
And I want to go back in time and tell her that "NO, it's 99% over. Do things that you want to do right now!"
But I can't.
Random thought: You are probably asking yourself, if you could go back in time, why wouldn't you do something different to save her life?
My mother had an ischemic stroke which occurs when an artery to the brain is blocked. If an artery is blocked, the brain cells cannot make enough energy and will eventually stop working. If the artery remains blocked for more than a few minutes, the brain cells may die and leave you brain dead. This is why immediate medical treatment is absolutely critical. And realistically, in my mom's case, there was really nothing any of us could do because of the severity of her issue and the time that had already passed by the time she had the stroke in the middle of the night, while sleeping, and woke up the next morning. The carotid arteries in her neck had such severe scar tissues that the examining doctor seemed to think it had been building for 30+ years. None of us could figure out when or why they were so severely damaged.
Random thought answer: I don't allow myself to think "what if" regarding this issue any longer. Even in very obscure, theoretic terms such as this.
Most people who suffer from ischemic stroke have other problems or conditions which put them at higher risk, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, smoking, or diabetes.
This is why every single doctor and nurse who came into her room at the hospital asked us how many packs a day she smoked.
And we have to reiterate several times that she didn't. It was obvious to the doctors that she was a healthy weight, so that wasn't the issue. It was easy to believe that she exercised regularly and was proactive with her health care. Which were all true.
Obviously not true.
I kow that was a random few paragraphs but it was really intended to be archival information for the girls to read at a much later date.
On with my story.
Sometimes I think about the conversation I had with my mom and I start to feel sad.
It's part of the reason I quit my job.
Don't get me wrong, I know its not all possible for us to quit working and live like we are immediately dying.
But for me, quitting my job was an option. Obviously it comes with sacrifice but I can tell you that I look at it as the last gift my mom gave me.
My girls and I have a blast. While the Daddy Man works ;) Very hard, I might add.
I really don't want to miss a thing with the kiddies. I'm sure that 99% of parents think that. It's part of what makes you a parent. And just because you work, that doesn't make you a bad parent. In some ways, I was more on top of my game when I was working AND my mom was still alive. So go outside-of-the-home-working mom and dads! I support you and value the sacrifce that you make! But all of this is really irrelevant.
Quitting also made me available to go back to school. I left school in 2005 to come back to Idaho and be with my husband (boyfriend at the time) because he needed me. It's a long story that's not really mine to tell but the facts are there. He couldn't have done certain things without me and I made the sacrifice of not finishing my college education to be there for him. I don't regret it. And he obviously values it because 1. he tells me so and 2. he works EXTRA hard to help make this happen for me.
And now that I have gotten to go back and am within a semester of graduating, I see now that everything goes full circle.
It's such a blessing in more way than one.
By giving up school, I spent the last five years of my mom's life hanging out with her instead of living out of state. A lot of manicures, pedicures, girls trips and lunching (as a verb ;). Seeing her become a Grandma. Watching movies. Things that I wouldn't trade for the world because it ended up being a very finite period of time for us.
And not having to go to work leaves me even MORE open time for conversations with my 4 year old.
Isabelle: Can we float up to heaven together?
Katie: God willing I will be there well before you.
Isabelle: I think it would be fun for our WHOLE family to float up together. But so many people might make it explode.
Katie: I think there is a very valid argument that space and time do not exist in heaven as we know them here on earth.
Isabelle: Huh?
Katie: I'm fairly certain that we are all going to fit with no problems.
Isabelle: But there's a lot of us. I would say more than 10 even.
Katie: That is a lot of people.
Isabelle: What language are we all going to speak in heaven?
Katie: I have never really thought about that. What a wonderful Montessori schooled mind you have.
Isabelle: I hope it's not Spanish. I don't know Spanish that well.
Katie: You know it at all?
Isabelle: Yo soy Dora Isabelle.
Katie: Well I have only taken a year of Spanish at a college level so I'm not certain but I would tentatively say that you don't need "Dora" in that statement being that you are Isabelle and not Dora The Explorer Isabelle.
Isabelle: Obviously you don't know Spanish that well either. We should pray that we all speak English.
We will have to add this to the laundry list of prayer items that we already go through. Things like Paula finding someone to marry again "real soon" and God blessing the creator of Barbie.
It's hard being schooled on your pathetic Spanish speaking abilities by a four year old.
Yo soy Dora Katie.
1 comment:
Katie, I loved reading this post. You are such a good writer and I'm glad you are willing to share your thoughts and stories. Miss you much, Kelly
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