Being the Motherless Mother

I am a motherless mother and it’s a painful title to hold. If you fall into this category as well, we share a sacred sisterhood. My heart weeps for you and your pain, especially during the month of May.

I weep because I have these two little girls I’m supposed to raise with only memories to reference. If I have a question or need a mother’s perspective, I’m on my own. I oft pick up the phone and feel like there’s no one to call who will care the same way about situations like my mom would.

Being someone’s daughter represents things I never realized when my mom was still alive. Loved. Esteemed. Celebrated. I felt all of those things in my mom’s presence and now there’s a hole Grand-Canyon-sized deep.

The funny thing about time is that it doesn't stop moving, no matter the grief, pity, despair in your own life. Every year means more birthdays, anniversaries, babies, school accomplishments and jobs we will never celebrate together. More steps in the road that we can’t walk together on this Earth.

I know my little ones will never remember her. Which feels like someone took a butcher knife to my heart. She loved them so and they will never know it in a person-to-person way.

Sorrow is better than laughter; it may sadden your face, but it sharpens your understanding. Ecclesiastes 7:3.

At this point, you’re probably wondering what this huge introduction is all about. I promise it’s not a pity party. I want you to know I choose j

oy this Mother’s Day. I’m so thankful for the women in my life whom I’ve met through church, work, family and life in general who continue to speak truth and encouragement into my existence. It means so much more to me than you could have ever known because I don’t get it from my mom anymore. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Something funny happened to me this Mother’s Day. I consider it to be a glimpse of Heaven here on Earth and, for me, it speaks of the hope we all have in Jesus. When my oldest daughter was just a couple of months old, my mom was at my house helping putting her room together. We had just barely moved into our home and we were unpacking décor items I had picked up during my pregnancy. She turned to me and said, “You are such a good mom.” Since I had only been a mom for a short time, I was unsure of myself and that statement built me up in ways I could never express here.

Flash forward to this Mother’s Day. I was getting my girls ready for dance and trying to keep everything going, when my husband looked at me and out of nowhere said, “You are such a good mom.” And I completely lost it, much to my husband’s confusion. But the way he said it instantly brought me back seven years earlier and I was overcome with emotion. This moment was a reminder of God’s goodness in my life. I’m having a hard time explaining it with words because it was a supernatural feeling. Just take my word for it. It made an impact.

My mom and I used to have a movie club that met once a month in a very official way. We made a point to go to the theater and see a movie, just the two of us. I would type out our “club” name but it’s elementary and embarrassing. But I miss it and I miss her. I’ve kept the club going and pick movies I know the two of us would have seen together. It’s a bittersweet tradition I carry on because it reminds me of what used to be.

I bring this up because as much as this memory means to me I know, without a doubt, it won’t hold a candle to what will be again one day.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Colossians 3:1-2.