The B is for Broken Files

So as with most things, I am a work in progress. I’m sure this isn’t a surprise to most of you. My new internal battle is finding the ability accept the things that I can’t change.

Step one: Letting go of broken, physical objects.

When I watched my Grandfather pass, I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I can’t really explain. But the thought that were running through my head was the fact that my Grandpa worked really hard his whole life and had accumulated a lot of material things. Not an abnormal amount but just the standard things that most of us end up with over a lifetime. A car, a house, furniture… Guess what? He didn’t take any of it with him. In the end the only thing that mattered were the people he touched through out his life because his memory lives on through us, not through his things. So now that I have a mental understanding of this, I’m going to start applying it to my life.

Not so easy.

Let me take you on what promises to be an emotional rollercoaster. Actually for you out there in blogworld, this will be quite boring but maybe it will be a good illustration on how you can be vested in your stuff in a way that becomes it WRONG. Because let me tell you, a few of things actually brought real tears to the surface. Sigh.

Example #1 Approximately October 2006

Culprit: Chase

These are matching figurines I brought back from Rome last time I was there. I have actually only been once but I’m easily entertained and I think it’s funny to see people’s reactions when I say “The last time I was there…” Back to the point. They were handmade Murano glass figurines entitled “The Last Kiss.” And I loved them. I had them proudly displayed in my kitchen for over a year. Until my husband was sweeping the floor one night, underestimated how much room was behind him and backed into the wall. They fell to the ground and it was over.

Katie’s Reaction: Screaming. Crying. Overall throwing a hissy fit.

Chase’s Reaction: Profusely apologizing, offering to find a good glass blower.

Example #2 Approximately December 2006

Culprit: Braxton

Something off about this picture? There used to be a medium sized Santa that sat in the middle of these three. I had to come up with the lame tree after my nephew, Braxton, backed into the trio while they were sitting on the bench in front of the fireplace. Chase called and told me while I was at work.

Katie’s Reaction: Asking repeatedly if Chase was sure that it was broken beyond repair.

Braxton’s Reaction: Unsure but am guessing that he heard me on the phone because his next reaction (see example #3) was visibly more shaken.

Example #3 Approximately December 2008

Culprit: Izzy

This one is especially painful because Izzy loved this ornament so much. She was just barely one year old and she looked right at this ornament and said “Gordy” (which is the name of our Chihuahua) clear as day. It was the first time that I ever remember her making the connection between a picture and a live thing. Izzy pulled it off the tree to bring it to me and dropped it on the tile floor.

Katie’s Reaction: Bawled and tried to glue it back together.

Izzy’s Reaction: Looked at me and then went back to the tree to find another “Gordy” ornament. But there were none to be found.

Example #4 Approximately January 2007

Culprit: Braxton

The tall one on the right is jimmy rigged with a paper plate. Just in case you couldn’t tell. They were sitting on my countertop table and my nephew was goofing around and slammed into it.

Katie’s Reaction: Freaked out. Spent a week trying to track down a replacement through the manufacturer to absolutely no avail. I know I’m crazy. That’s why I’m calling myself out.

Braxton’s Reaction: As soon as it happened, he looked up at me with big eyes. I tried to suppress myself though I’m sure I didn’t do a good job.

Example #5 Approximately July 2009

Culprit: Izzy

This one is painful but for financial reasons. I got this ornament when I was pregnant with Izzy and I loved it because it was a First Christmas ornament. I stored it in a special box that was engraved with her name. Sometime last July, she found it and smashed it.

Katie’s Reaction: Sad. But I know the world of Hallmark Ornaments and I know they go on eBay for pennies on the dollar. So I looked this one up. Of course it was the rarest (is that really a word?) one they made that year and they are going for $90! It could have been my ticket out of here.

Izzy’s Reaction: What ornament?

Example #6 November 2009

Culprit: Britney, Cody’s Girlfriend

These teacups have been hanging over my sink for four years. Ever since I carted them 4,000 miles across the ocean last time I was in Europe. I have never had a problem but alas one has been broken. And very recently. Leading to this post actually.

Britney’s Reaction: “That’s really not a good place for those.”

Katie’s Reaction: Trying to be humble, knowing that I have a problem. Outwardly I said, “I know, I will have to move them.” Inside I was screaming, “They have been there for FOUR years without a problem. WTH???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

I told you this wasn’t going to be easy for me. Next time I see you face to face and I start acting like a baby about something silly, please bring it to my attention. I need all the help I can get ;)

Lisa's Place

Call me crazy! But I went to Lisa's Place with:

Isabelle

Braxton

Natasha

AND

Jhanna

completely unassisted. Let me tell you, it an endeavor. When I got the idea to take the girls, Braxton wasn't actually home. So I was going to take three mobile children and my baby. Of course when B-Ray did show up, I couldn't exactly tell him that everyone was going to Lisa's but he wasn't invited. So I cut Cody a SWEET deal and passed off my lovely, sleepy 5 month old in exchange for his very active, hungry 7 year old. It seriously would have been a safety issue for me to take all five kids. A mental health safety issue for myself and a physical safety issue for the kids. It took me 17 minutes to get everyone from the entry way of the house to the vehicle. I'm not exaggerating, I timed it. By the time I got the three girls in car seats and Braxton buckled in, I was exhausted. But I pushed on because I thought it would be a good energy release for the kids. Through numerous nose wipes, potty breaks and emotional meltdowns, I persevered and we had a good time. There was only one empty threat of tying a child to the table on my part so I have to consider the evening a success. Paula’s final got done faster than expected so she ended up meeting us there. Which I have to be honest, I was dreading the load up thing again. There is only so many times a body can bend in the necessary fashion that bucking two children in the backseat of an SUV takes. Trust me when I say I’m getting old!

P.S. In case these photos look familiar, they were taken at Leo’s Place. My ever observant daughter insists on calling it Lisa’s Place because calling it Leo’s makes it sound like “only boys can play there” and she’s a girl. Fun times are heading my way, I can already feel it.

A Promise To You

After reviewing the last two posts, I realized that I have essentially blogged the same thing twice. And you, my loyal reader, are sure to be tired of hearing about my misfortunes. I realize now that I have become that person at the party that most would prefer to stab a plastic utensil into a body part rather than hear the same story for the one billionth time. I want to assure you that I value your time and your readership. You have my solemn promise that I will come up with something more compelling to write about next time. Please accept my dearest apologizes.

But just in case...

You can't say I didn't warn you. As must be apparent to all of you by now, I really have no control over Cambri's behavior.

Tired of Being Tired

Well, I spoke too soon with the last post. Little Cambri acted very naughty on Saturday night and pushed her loving mother to the literal breaking point. I would hope that anyone even remotely interested in reading this would understand that I do love my baby very much. But nothing could make little Cam Cam feel good on Saturday night and she was determined to let me know it. By three a.m. I had been up most of the night and I couldn't take it anymore. Chase hasn't been home since the Friday after Thanksgiving and I can't even tell you how much I had been feeling this. I was spending the night at my parents house and I had to go into their room and tell them I was too tired to do this and I needed some help. Please understand that I know it was technically not their problem and I would never want to push my kids off on them for no good reason. But Saturday night it finally clicked in my head why people shake babies. NO, I'm not saying that its ok to shake a baby. Absolutely not. I'm just saying that people who don't have restraint skills might feel at the end of their rope and think they can't take it anymore. I'm sooo lucky that my parents understood and when I reached out to them, both were willing to jump out of bed and take turns helping me with little Cambri so I could get some sleep. Don't get me wrong, peeps. Cam Cam paid me back the next night by getting me up 8 TIMES. But after a solid six hours of sleep that night before, I was ready and one might even say amiable towards my little bundle at 4am. I swear that a midnight wake up call is the reason God made babies so cute!

Baby for Rent

.

I was going to label this post BABY FOR SALE. But I overrode the innate drama queen inside of me because I thought it best to keep my blog felony free. I would hope there are some other moms out there who can empathize with me that a lack of sleep can do weird things to the mind. Cambri is a horrible sleeper. She is literally breaking my spirit by waking up two to three times a night. After I’m awake, I begin stressing out about not possibly not being able to go back to sleep quickly which essentially keeps me up even longer. So every time I’m up, it turns into at least an hour ordeal. Can you see where I’m going with this? I know my sister-in-law has been doing this for 4 years and I literally think she must be bionic. After five months, I have hit the quota of compassion that I can possibly pull out of my system at 3 am. Last night, I was so tempted to see if I could wait her out and will her back to sleep by praying really hard. It didn’t work. In fact, she woke Izzy up so I had two joys to deal with instead of only one. Izzy wanted me to turn on The Backyardagains at 4:27 this morning. All I can say is that Chase is on extreme baby duty as soon as he walks in the door. You can only imagine how thrilled he is going to be.

Izzy's First Sleepover

Izzy had her first sleepover with people that we aren’t technically related to. It was actually at our house, not that Izzy wouldn’t have been willing to go somewhere else. As I have written about before, my kid has no fear when it comes to leaving me behind. Paula was watching her for me once and she actually asked when I was coming back. When Paula told me this, I was pleasantly surprised. Only then did Paula tell me it was followed up with, “But you aren’t going to let her take me, right?” Honestly, I think it is really just because the girls have so much fun together. When Natasha and Jhanna spent the night, everyone had a ton of fun. The plan was to watch Christmas movies and eat popcorn. But the kids literally ran around and played all night and were asleep within 20 minutes of being in bed. Nice for me! I was puzzled as what to feed the kids the next morning as I typically don’t cook very well. So Paula and Radu went to the store and came to our house to make french toast. They even brought their own grill thingy (for the life of me I can't remember what it is called, but I do have one!) so I didn’t even have to do dishes. My kind of breakfast!

A Players

I honestly feel as though I can’t breathe today. It’s one of those feelings that seems like if you stop making the conscious effort to keep the oxygen coming in and out then you would begin to suffocate. I keep telling myself that I’m an A player and A players keep going no matter what. I really couldn’t tell you why this makes me feel better but it does. But today has been very difficult. My dear auntie passed away around 3am this morning and the loss has been more devastating than I could ever describe here. She was the most thoughtful, loving, compassionate person I have ever met and the world was a better place when she was here. My tears are selfishly for myself but also for her kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews that will have to face everyday for their mortal life without having this wonderful being with us. My kids will never know the superb person that she was and that makes me inconsolable. I keep reminding myself that I am an enhanced human being for seeing her example and trying to live it but I really am having a hard time today. While her faith allowed her to see the good in this situation, I’m having a hard time coming accepting this as final for the next possible 50 years of my human life. I keep thinking about the last time that she was conscious enough to speak with my grandma, which was sometime last week, when she told her about her experience the night before. She said that someone rang her doorbell and when she went to answer it, it was my grandfather dressed in a black suit. He said, “Hidey ho friend. You can come with me.” While my grandpa has been gone for over a year and probably never uttered the words “hidey ho” in his whole life, my aunt felt a great deal of peace after the incident. I don’t know much about the business of dying and I’m not sure the good Lord sends out spirits to collect souls, but I would like to think that He passes on visions and dreams that give the dying comfort in their final moments. And it was good for me to know that my aunt found comfort in my Grandpa because I miss him so much and am anxiously waiting for us to be reunited as well. I know that my aunt is up in Heaven right now holding her baby and will never feel pain again which is for the best (but seriously, do people really think the words “it’s for the best” will make you feel better?). As far as I go, I’m trying to get through the day with a smile on my face until I can go home and be alone. That’s what A players do, right?

Cambri Is All Grown Up!

I'm kind of having a baby crisis. Now that I can have any more kids, I really, really want one. While my reasons for not having anymore still stand, I feel like my little baby is slipping away because she will FIVE months old on Monday. Last night I woke up and I was sad that Cambri is growing so fast. It was two in the morning and those hardwood floors feel cold that time of the day, so I woke Chase up and sent him to go get her. Which he did. And she was so happy to see me that it made my day.

Changing Diapers

I think most parents would probably agree that changing diapers is not one of the most desired tasks. And it's not one of those things that you can do once and get a nice long break from which helps you slowly start to forget the torture. Like labor. Or football season.

So when Isabelle volunteered to change a diaper, who was I to stop her? I thought it might be a good experience. And it probably was for her. But not for little Cam Cam. If you think she looks uncomfortable in the picture above, then your surveillance skills are spot on and you can go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back. Isabelle treated my poor baby like she was a freakishly limber carnival side show. And her unmotherly parent was too busy taking pictures to attempt a rescue mission.

What you don't see in any of these pictures is the pile of diapers on the other side of the baby. This photo montage seriously took about 20 minutes to get through because Izzy would pull out a diaper, try to put it on and fail because she had no idea what she was doing. Which I find rather remarkable as she has been in the diaper business for 3+ years. But after she worked with a diaper for a few seconds, she would announce that it was intrinsically flawed as it was too small, too big, broken, not shaped the same way as baby or it made Cambri cry because she didn't like it. In case you are wondering, Cam Cam was crying because her ankles weren't made to bend 180 degrees. But alas, Izzy did finally complete her first diaper change (semi) unassisted and when she needs to do it again 30 years from now, she will be (semi) qualified. 

The Perfect Wife

Can I just say that I work with some amazing people? I love coming to work mainly for my coworkers. At both malls, I consider these people to be my friends above anything else. But lately I have been thinking about how lucky I am to have two especially wise ladies that I can count on to keep my head clear and my mind focused on the bigger pictures of life. Kelly is sooooo smart! One of the things I like best about her is her ability to look past the actions and see the intent of any given situation (especially of husbands, its her gift ;). Trust me when I say there have been a lot of times when I have been grumbling about people when she makes me see that said persons heart has been in the right place. For example, I once told her how frustrated I am because I will try to do nice little things for Chase, like buy him something special at the grocery store or run an errand for him, but he never seems to reciprocate without being asked. And she pointed out that if I was only doing it to receive something in return then I wasn’t doing these things for the right reasons and that when you give a gift, you really shouldn’t expect anything in return or it’s not really a gift. Like I said, I love her because she is so smart! She has listened to me so long some days that most people would probably have told me to take a hike. But she never does. She lets me vent and then points out the most insightful things that really add value to my life. And I also have Sherri. Let me tell you, Sherri has sent me home in tears more than once. Not because she has been mean or anything but because she makes me think about hard things. Just last week, she told me that the biggest obstacle for her in getting over her husbands passing is looking back and seeing little things that she would have changed and situations she would have reacted differently in. And now she is working on fixing them moving forward in her current relationships but what she really wants to do is go back and correct them for him, which isn’t possible. This of course got me thinking about things I would want to do differently. And it’s not too late for me, so I shouldn’t wait. I seriously woke up at 2 am bawling because I was remembering times where I have been a little too demanding and EXTREMELY unforgiving and I don’t want to wake up here on earth one day without Chase and have to remember these things. I keep telling Sherri that she is my therapist and it’s her job to teach me her life lessons. I’m sure she enjoys the job (insert sarcasm here). But she has always been very open and that is one of things I appreciate the most about her. Now don’t you all see how lucky I am? If someone could combine these two ladies in my head, Chase would have the perfect wife.

Thanksgiving 09

These are the only pictures I have of my last baby's first Thanksgiving. I forgot to charge my camera. But on to the point. I talked my ever willing, ever loving husband into coming to the mall with me to get everything ready for Black Friday early so I could sleep in for an extra hour. He graciously agreed. I had to put up directional posters so we loaded everything on to a flatbed. As we were rolling through the mall, Izzy was doing death leaps off the cart. When Chase sees Izzy rolling down her window in the car, you would think the world is ending because he is screaming about lost limbs. But death leaps off the cart? Not that big of deal. He was laughing and pushing the cart faster down the CERAMIC TILE. It's funny what battles we choose to fight...

Chase Vs. Katie

Chase's weekend view.

Katie's weekend view.

Chase was among his people at Invesco Field @ Mile High.

I was among my people at our little home on Royal Avenue (it's not as luxurious as it sounds and yes, we oft run around with our tutu's on).

Ironically, we both dealt with a lot of screaming

Chase is sooooooooooooo spolied. He got to fly to Denver to see the Broncos play while I stayed at home.

Can I just say how much I love my husband? He deserved the trip because he works harder than any other person I know.

I know that I usually get caught up in my kids when I start to write. It really is a curse sometimes because as much as I love the girls, I sometimes forget to note the other good things in my life. Chase has been at work for three weeks (which means that I’m at work, on call or otherwise up to my elbows in diapers 24 hours a day but this really is more about him) and he is so committed to our family that he is already out there working with his brother on a new project. He really never stops. Whenever I get caught up in something bigger than myself (current project: A Burke Family Christmas, check back later for more details) he is always there to remind me that I am a better person for knowing him and loving him. I am so lucky!

The Media Does This To Me!

I think I have the swine flu.

My body aches, my throat hurts and I can barely move. I'm half tempted to run to the doctor so that he can make me feel better. But the sad thing is that I probably don't have the swine flu and I'm just becoming worked up because everywhere I turn I'm hearing horror stories. I swear that the media makes my life more difficult! My doctor actually recommended to me that I pull back a little bit from different news outlets because they STRESS me out! Hearing about this pandemic 24/7 makes every symptom seem life or death.

I think I just need a nap.

A Christmas Carol

Last night I took Izzy to see A Christmas Carol. We were so sick all weekend that all we did was lay around and try to recover. When I asked Izzy if she wanted to go, she asked if her daddy was “abaylable” to take her. When I said no, she said she was “unabaylable” to go with me. How do you like that? I lovingly carried her inside me for nine months, undergoing horrible heart burn, swollen body parts and losing everything that used to be symmetrical but I’m not qualified to take this child to the movies. I have to cut her a little bit of slack as Chase has been gone for going on three weeks now and we are all starting to feel the ache. But on with the story. When she decided I could take her, she would only go it she could wear her cowgirl boots. My brother-in-law was completely horrified that I would let her leave the house wearing them. I tried to tell him that as long as she wasn’t walking around with her underwear on the outside while sporting a tin foil hat, I wasn’t inclined to argue with her. When we got to the movies, Izzy said, “Hey this is the place Daddy takes me. Is he here?” What do you say? I have no idea but when I figure it out, I will let you know. The movie was actually pretty good but not quite as light and airy as the Mickey Mouse version. When we got into the theater, she sat one seat away from as not to risk humiliation of her preschool chums seeing us out in public together. By the time ghost one appeared, she was next to me. By ghost two, we were holding hands. Ghost three landed her right in my lap with her eyes peeking out from behind her chubby little fingers. I felt like I was traumatizing the poor thing but she didn’t want to leave. I’m glad I didn’t take her to the 3D version because life long nightmares probably would have taken hold. Why can’t these Hollywood types leave well enough alone?

Not Picasso

Well everyone, after a week off, I have a plethora of things to write about. But what I need help with now is releasing some guilt. My child loves to draw and she uses her mediocre ability to churn out at least a 100 “projects” a day. And lucky me, her preschool thinks enough of her talent to save them for me. Every single day, I dread opening her locker because I know I will have a ton of extra paper to haul home with me, hence the problem. I feel bad about getting rid of them. But my entire fridge is covered. My car is full. I have no more room but after they have taken the time to teach her, written her name on them and trekked them to the locker for me, I feel like a bad parent not keeping them, like I'm not as vested as some parents. But the clutter is starting to pile up and this in not a good thing. I want to leave my adult daughter a legacy of her childhood but this is getting out on control as she is by no means a child prodigy. So someone either needs to tell me its ok to throw them out or offer me a name of a good storage company. HELP!

I Hate Toys “R” Us

Hate may be a strong word for a store that I don’t believe to be intrinsically evil. But they know how to market to children and they take full advantage of the power. I have tried very hard to keep Izzy primarily focused on PBS for this reason as well. Toy commercials do weird things to kids. But back to the point of this story, yesterday Toy “R” Us released their “Biggest Big Book Ever!”

I woke up yesterday morning to my daughter saying, “Grandma, will you buy me this? And this? And this?” To which my mother was responding with, “We’ll see. We’ll just have to see. Is that all you want?” When Grandma failed to tell her what she wanted to hear, she just skipped right over me and went straight to Dad. When I heard her little voice on the phone say “Daddy, will you buy me the pink car?,” I should have known I was in trouble. I start hearing Chase say something to the effect that if Izzy is really good for Mom this week and used the toilet, he would take her to the store when he got home for her pink car.

I was screaming NOOOO inside my head and trying to get the phone from Izzy. Because while I’m sure Chase assumed he was committing himself to something like this:

He actually agreed to buy this.

I guess I'm in a predicwhat.