Infertility is not a Joke!

Ok peeps, because this is the best outlet I have, I wanted to share a letter that I sent off to PETA over the weekend. If you would like to send a letter to them as well, please do!

PETA, PETA, PETA.

You have scared me before. But I have moved on and let your point be what it typically is: shock value!

But you have really crossed the line this time. By attacking an entire sect of the population in what you consider a joke. I don't find it funny.

First let me tell you something. Not that it's any of your business.

I am not infertile.

No one in my immediate family is infertile.

My best friend is not infertile.

But I am still offended. I am offended as a friend who has infertile friends.

I am offended as an American.

I am offended as a breathing human.

I am writing you this letter on behalf of my two daughters who could very well grow up and find themselves infertile. I would hate for them to ever feel the way that you have made thousands of interfile people feel.

By giving away a vasectomy in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, you are insulting everyone, fertile and infertile alike. A medical condition is not something to laugh at, make a joke of or in anyway minimize in order to prove YOUR point. This is not ok!

I understand that you have removed the reference to NIAW but I don't think that this is enough. You need to issue a public apology.

I have encouraged everyone I know to stop donating to your cause until you do so. I have sent personal emails specifically to my extended family members that I know have donated to your organization, asking them to really consider this issue before they make out another check.

Please understand, I consider myself an absolutist when it comes to the first amendment. I stand by my right to speak freely and therefore stand by your right to speak freely. In the tradition of our country, even the Nazi's have the right to make fools of themselves in a public forum. You have similarly made a fool of your organization.

What you need to understand is that with this right comes responsibility. We should use our first amendment right to speak our minds but in a way that bring others up and encourage people during challenging times in their lives.

Because isn't that what you want us to do for animals?

Don't you see how treating your fellow man insensitively undermines your work for the ethical treatment of animals?

I have seen this other example on other blogs and want to share it here because it really makes the point.

Would you offer a double mastectomy in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month? You know, so that we can be like our feline friends and not have to deal with hoo-hahs?

I seriously doubt it.

And if you did, I would be as equally outraged as I am now!

Please PETA you have the real opportunity to right a wrong here. You have the opportunity to admit you were wrong and issue a public apology. Your organization is run by humans and humans make mistakes. I know that you would probably find forgiveness.

Take the challenge and apologize!

Sincerely,

Katie

What if your life was 99% over?

My mom and I didn't have much overlapping taste in music. I'm a country girl while she was a product of music being at its hay day in the 70's. She would listen to a classic rock station every morning while getting ready and loved a segment where they played a few seconds of the most random (crappy) song for listeners to test their skills. She called in several times with the right answer. Memories like that make me smile.

One of the CD's we both loved was this one:

In fact we jammed out to it on a road trip we took together to South Dakota to visit my sister one summer. I "borrowed" it and the night before she died she asked for it back.

I told her I would try and remember. But actually I probably had no intent of giving it back to her :) Which I know that she knew.

And now its mine for keeps I guess. Unless Chuck asks for it back on her behalf. Which he will probably do just to annoy the snot out of me. I'll have to "lose" it if you get my drift.

But as I was listening to it this morning, I had another thought of my mom that sometimes haunts me. 

Literally brings me to my knees. 

Keeps me until the wee hours (11pm), unaware that sleeping hours are quickly passing.

My mom turned 54 January 3rd before March 4th date that she died. If you lost a few brain cells reading that sentence, I'm right there with you because its kind of confusing. If you didn't, you are so smart. And I'm happy to know you :) Just to be clear, I'm still happy to know you either way.

She made a comment right around her birthday that her life here on earth was probably more than half over.

And I want to go back in time and tell her that "NO, it's 99% over. Do things that you want to do right now!"

But I can't.

Random thought: You are probably asking yourself, if you could go back in time, why wouldn't you do something different to save her life?

My mother had an ischemic stroke which occurs when an artery to the brain is blocked. If an artery is blocked, the brain cells cannot make enough energy and will eventually stop working. If the artery remains blocked for more than a few minutes, the brain cells may die and leave you brain dead. This is why immediate medical treatment is absolutely critical. And realistically, in my mom's case, there was really nothing any of us could do because of the severity of her issue and the time that had already passed by the time she had the stroke in the middle of the night, while sleeping, and woke up the next morning. The carotid arteries in her neck had such severe scar tissues that the examining doctor seemed to think it had been building for 30+ years. None of us could figure out when or why they were so severely damaged.

Random thought answer: I don't allow myself to think "what if" regarding this issue any longer. Even in very obscure, theoretic terms such as this.

Most people who suffer from ischemic stroke have other problems or conditions which put them at higher risk, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, smoking, or diabetes.

This is why every single doctor and nurse who came into her room at the hospital asked us how many packs a day she smoked.

And we have to reiterate several times that she didn't. It was obvious to the doctors that she was a healthy weight, so that wasn't the issue. It was easy to believe that she exercised regularly and was proactive with her health care. Which were all true.

But then they would CONTINUE to say that that it wasn't possible that she didn't smoke (because lying would have made sense for us to do at a time like this, NOT) because people who DON'T suffer from those things listed above and DON'T smoke, don't have strokes.

Obviously not true.

I kow that was a random few paragraphs but it was really intended to be archival information for the girls to read at a much later date.

On with my story.

Sometimes I think about the conversation I had with my mom and I start to feel sad.

It's part of the reason I quit my job.

Don't get me wrong, I know its not all possible for us to quit working and live like we are immediately dying.

But for me, quitting my job was an option. Obviously it comes with sacrifice but I can tell you that I look at it as the last gift my mom gave me.

My girls and I have a blast. While the Daddy Man works ;) Very hard, I might add.

I really don't want to miss a thing with the kiddies. I'm sure that 99% of parents think that. It's part of what makes you a parent. And just because you work, that doesn't make you a bad parent. In some ways, I was more on top of my game when I was working AND my mom was still alive. So go outside-of-the-home-working mom and dads! I support you and value the sacrifce that you make! But all of this is really irrelevant.

Quitting also made me available to go back to school. I left school in 2005 to come back to Idaho and be with my husband (boyfriend at the time) because he needed me. It's a long story that's not really mine to tell but the facts are there. He couldn't have done certain things without me and I made the sacrifice of not finishing my college education to be there for him. I don't regret it. And he obviously values it because 1. he tells me so and 2. he works EXTRA hard to help make this happen for me.

And now that I have gotten to go back and am within a semester of graduating, I see now that everything goes full circle.

It's such a blessing in more way than one.

By giving up school, I spent the last five years of my mom's life hanging out with her instead of living out of state. A lot of manicures, pedicures, girls trips and lunching (as a verb ;). Seeing her become a Grandma. Watching movies. Things that I wouldn't trade for the world because it ended up being a very finite period of time for us.

And not having to go to work leaves me even MORE open time for conversations with my 4 year old.

Isabelle: Can we float up to heaven together?

Katie: God willing I will be there well before you.

Isabelle: I think it would be fun for our WHOLE family to float up together. But so many people might make it explode.

Katie: I think there is a very valid argument that space and time do not exist in heaven as we know them here on earth.

Isabelle: Huh?

Katie: I'm fairly certain that we are all going to fit with no problems.

Isabelle: But there's a lot of us. I would say more than 10 even.

Katie: That is a lot of people.

Isabelle: What language are we all going to speak in heaven?

Katie: I have never really thought about that. What a wonderful Montessori schooled mind you have.

Isabelle: I hope it's not Spanish. I don't know Spanish that well.

Katie: You know it at all?

Isabelle: Yo soy Dora Isabelle.

Katie: Well I have only taken a year of Spanish at a college level so I'm not certain but I would tentatively say that you don't need "Dora" in that statement being that you are Isabelle and not Dora The Explorer Isabelle.

Isabelle: Obviously you don't know Spanish that well either. We should pray that we all speak English. 

We will have to add this to the laundry list of prayer items that we already go through. Things like Paula finding someone to marry again "real soon" and God blessing the creator of Barbie.  

It's hard being schooled on your pathetic Spanish speaking abilities by a four year old.  

Yo soy Dora Katie.

My Babies All Grown Up

I’m hoping that I hold you

At least a hundred times before you grow

I want to tell you that I love you

And there are some things that you should know.

It’s been my utmost pleasure

To sit and watch you be

The blessings that I find in you

Mean the world to me.

Words cannot express

All the simple things you bring

It’s been a special journey

I wouldn’t change a thing.

I know one day I’ll miss this

The little girl you used to be

You’ll be grown up and moving on

No soul more proud than me.

A mom can't help but wish

That you’d stay small forever

Or that I could accompany you

On all your new endeavors.

What I want to tell you

One more time before you go

You’re the baby girl who changed my life

And I wanted you to know.

A Players

I honestly feel as though I can’t breathe today. It’s one of those feelings that seems like if you stop making the conscious effort to keep the oxygen coming in and out then you would begin to suffocate. I keep telling myself that I’m an A player and A players keep going no matter what. I really couldn’t tell you why this makes me feel better but it does. But today has been very difficult. My dear auntie passed away around 3am this morning and the loss has been more devastating than I could ever describe here. She was the most thoughtful, loving, compassionate person I have ever met and the world was a better place when she was here. My tears are selfishly for myself but also for her kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews that will have to face everyday for their mortal life without having this wonderful being with us. My kids will never know the superb person that she was and that makes me inconsolable. I keep reminding myself that I am an enhanced human being for seeing her example and trying to live it but I really am having a hard time today. While her faith allowed her to see the good in this situation, I’m having a hard time coming accepting this as final for the next possible 50 years of my human life. I keep thinking about the last time that she was conscious enough to speak with my grandma, which was sometime last week, when she told her about her experience the night before. She said that someone rang her doorbell and when she went to answer it, it was my grandfather dressed in a black suit. He said, “Hidey ho friend. You can come with me.” While my grandpa has been gone for over a year and probably never uttered the words “hidey ho” in his whole life, my aunt felt a great deal of peace after the incident. I don’t know much about the business of dying and I’m not sure the good Lord sends out spirits to collect souls, but I would like to think that He passes on visions and dreams that give the dying comfort in their final moments. And it was good for me to know that my aunt found comfort in my Grandpa because I miss him so much and am anxiously waiting for us to be reunited as well. I know that my aunt is up in Heaven right now holding her baby and will never feel pain again which is for the best (but seriously, do people really think the words “it’s for the best” will make you feel better?). As far as I go, I’m trying to get through the day with a smile on my face until I can go home and be alone. That’s what A players do, right?

These Days

These days I can't remember what it was like to just leave my house without hauling an additional 40 pounds of equipment with me.



These days I can't remember what my life was like before I was able to pick up and go see a movie without any thought.



These days I can't remember what it was like to go to the grocery store without having to deal with a screaming kid.

But these days, I know the defintion of true love which I wouldn't trade for anything.

A Different Kind of Sad

As some of you out there know, I had my tubes tied this week. It was a strange feeling as I laid there in the surgery holding area by myself. I felt completely alone and everyone bone in my body was telling me to get up and run. But my head was telling me that I was doing the right thing for our family. Chase wasn't able to be at the hospital with me because someone had to take care of our kids but I know that he was very hesitant about the surgery. The number one reason why I went through with it is because I want our two kids to have every opportunity they can possibly have. Even adding one more to the mix takes away from finite resources i.e. energy, time & money that parents can offer their children. I love my kids enough to want them to get everything that I can give. I need them to know that really everything I do is for them and that means stopping with them. I was told once that every mom goes through a mourning period when they realize they will never have another child. Here I am at 25 and going through that feeling. I feel very selfish for feeling sad right know but I have to accept that it is normal and won't last forever. While I do feel very sad right now, I know that eventually I will feel comfortable with this decision. I really don't have a choice at this point. But by knowing that Isabelle and Cambri are it without a doubt gives me the responsibility (and privilege) of enjoying every singe moment I have with my kids. Right now I feel like a semi has taken me out but this to shall pass and physically and emotionally I will be ok.

Marvin Elliot Thomas

It’s been a long week and I feel as though I have let my avid readers down! I got a surprising number of emails from people that I didn’t even know knew this site existed. So thank you! Unfortunately, last week was probably one of the worst of my entire life. My dear Grandfather passed away and the shock left me completely devastated. I was fortunate to be holding his hand when he passed, which I will always be grateful for. I now know, without any hesitation, that he went peacefully. But watching someone you love so much pass on is not a fun thing to do. Whenever I close my eyes, I still see him taking his last breath and this is a memory that I don’t think I will ever be able to escape or to come to terms with for that matter. When I was a little girl, my Grandpa was so much fun. Whenever I came to visit, one of my favorite things was to go to coffee with him at the coffee shop. I can still see their only waitress in my head and she always gave me extra whip cream on my hot chocolate. On days that I would go, my Grandpa would get a table just for us instead of sitting with his friends and we would talk. After coffee, we would go to his auto shop, where he would always slip me the key to pop vending machine and I would sit on the spin chairs until my Grandma would come to get me. I think another part of this that is so extremely overwhelming is the fact that I won’t be able to add to these memories and that my daughter will never know how much my grandpa loved her. He was so excited the day she was born that he sat in the waiting room all day until he got to hold her. I have no doubt that he loved her as much as Chase and I do. He loved us grandkids dearly and spoiled us freely, yet he provided us with the same sense of responsibility that he had and taught us how to care about other people. When I was a young child, I asked my grandmother why Grandpa didn’t know my name because he always called me “Dollface,” which he called both Heidi and I to the very end. I know that he was looking forward to doing the same for his two great-grand daughters. Being called “Dollface” your entire life can set you up for some disappointment in relationships with teenage boys though ;). I remember once when Chase and I were going through a grey area of our relationship, I went to visit my grandpa. He told me that we had two options; one was “to go get a shotgun and track him down” or “drive down to the river and check the fence.” Luckily for my current day husband, we choose to go check the fence to make sure the horses couldn’t get out, which is one thing that used to infuriate my grandpa. My grandpa was someone who could always put me back together and make me feel whole again, no matter what my heart was hurting about. At his funeral, there were so many people there that wanted to pay tribute to a man who touched thier lives that I was overwhelmed to a certain degree. Of course, the Merrick Family found a way to ruin the experience, but I have no idea why I'm even suprised. I’m going to have to end this because it’s stressing me out too much. There are no words that would justify what he meant to me, so I'm going to stop trying.

Eureka!

This weekend started very badly for me. I was extremely tired and Izzy was not on her best behavior. On Saturday, when I started doing laundry for the weekend, I realized that I still had a load in the dryer left over from last weekend. I felt like such a failure. It actually brought me to tears and I felt very overwhelmed. I know that some failures can be turned into success if you learn from them, but what happens if you are a failure at your entire life? So I decided that I needed to see Chase. I packed Izzy up and we drove down to Utah so that Chase could make me feel better. I just felt like we should all be together so that I wouldn’t have time to feel sad. It was Randy’s (Chase’s stepdad) birthday so we got to meet his family and it was fun. We also took Izzy on her first four wheeler ride through Eureka. She was extremely hesitant at first but when we took off, she loved it. We went and look down on old mine shaft that hasn’t been sealed up. It’s crazy because you just feel cool air coming out of the hole. We dropped a rock down it and we didn’t even hear it land, it is that deep! Then we went to the Eureka Cemetery and that was kind of sad because it is not in very good condition. We were walking through and I looked down and we were standing on an old headstone that has been taken over by weeds. This person had died in the early 1900’s and no one was left to take care of their final resting place. I just thought to myself that while this person is in a better place, they were once someone else’s baby while they were here on earth and I wouldn’t want anyone in my family to be treated that way. After our ride, I really didn’t want to leave and come back and face my empty house, so I stayed in Eureka until almost 9pm. I was so tired driving home. Those who know me know that I’m not a night person. I started reciting the presidents in order of their presidential terms. That kept me busy but not for long enough. So then I switched to the states and their capital cities. But I just kept picturing my nice warm (though empty and lonely) bed and I finally made it, safe and sound.