The things no person should ever have to say

Being a mom has to be one of the strangest experiences on this planet.  You have these little beings running around your house who you love with your whole heart.

Yet, at the same time, they make you feel bat poop crazy.

For example, last night as my two little ones went into the bathroom together to brush their teeth, I was filled with such joy of how blessed I am for these two sweet lives that love each so much.  

Right as I was overwhelmed with gratitude, I heard my eight year old ask if she could use her sister’s toothbrush because she couldn’t find her own.

What the what?

As I was about to peek my head in and remind everyone it would be best if we all used our own brushes, I heard my five year old say, “Yeah, you can. I haven’t used it in forever because I switched over to Moms.”

Let the dry heaving commence.

Yes, she’s my flesh and blood. But that doesn’t mean we need to be sharing flesh and blood. And tooth plaque. We definitely don’t need to be sharing tooth plaque.

As I was contemplating bleaching out my own mouth, I thought to myself, “What would the twenty-year-old Katie say about this life?”

I didn’t need to think about it long because I already know.

She’s run away screaming. She’d probably throw a plate of gourmet mac-n-cheese into my face in order to make a quick getaway.

Little did she know 31-year-old Katie would carefully scrap it off and eat it anyway. That stuff’s expensive and, these days, my kids only tolerate Kraft.

But I digress.

Being a mom means saying things you never thought you’d ever say, even under the most bizarre of circumstances. For example, on top of the toothbrush crisis of 2015, the following statements have left my mouth within the last seven days:

• Hey, can you stop licking the pool rail as you climb into the water?
  
  
• Isn’t that the underwear your sister wore yesterday?
• No, we can’t trade your sister in for a monkey.
• Yes, flushing the toilet is an extra step in the process. Let’s do it anyway.
• No, the scene you made of putting a single pea into your mouth, gagging and then violently spitting it out doesn’t count as one of the bites towards dessert.
• Why is the dog wearing the underwear your sister wore yesterday? Next time pick a clean pair.
• Let’s take the wrapper off before you eat the sucker. Not after.
• I don’t think using maple syrup instead of sauce on top of spaghetti sounds like the perfect dinner. 
• Seriously, do you two know where we keep the clean underwear in this house?
• I’m sorry the cat scratched you after you forced him into doll clothes, belted him into a stroller and then threw him up in the air a few times like a beach ball. He has a mind of his own, you know.

When did my life become a series of moments where I spend more time trying to teach common sense than Columbus spent looking for the new world? All I can say is that I hope it pays off and my kids grow up to be productive members of society. Not serial killers wearing dirty underwear.