We Are Not Together OBVIOUSLY

Seriously Chuck and I spend way too much time together. It's becoming awkward.

The most uncomfortable of awkward situations happens when we get mistaken as a couple.

I don't get it. I mean times are tough but I think I could do better than an old dude. Come on.

Last time we were at Outback I wanted to throw myself off a cliff. That may sound dramatic but it's not.

I know how the situation looks. Two adults walk in with wedding rings and children. And people start assuming. I know they can't help it.

When we walked into Outback and sat at a table for four, the waitress immediately assumed that we were together. How do I know this?

She told us WE had cute kids.

Instead of saying something intelligent such as "I have cute kids and he has cute grand kids" or "This is my DAD" I blurted out, "No we aren't together." It was INSTINCT I tell you.

Waitress: "Oh I'm sorry, let's get you to separate tables."

Katie: "Oh we are eating together, we just aren't together."

Waitress: "I don't judge honey. Anyway works for me."

Katie: "Please, please judge. Please"

Waitress: "Ummm Ok"

Katie: "By saying that you don't judge you are implying that we have a situation that warrants some kind of judgement and this is my Dad."

This waitress finally had a moment of clarity. Nervous laughter all around.

But I probably won't recover.

Later that night, as I was clipping Chuck's toenails, I realized that we must give off that weird couple vibe. But it's unintentional.

I swear it.

Uncle Ryan Cheats at the Slug Bug Game

This is a picture of a picture, so the quality is lacking. But this is Izzy's new school picture! Chase got her ready the morning of the big shoot and I think she looks pretty good.

One morning when I dropped Izzy off for school, I noticed that her and the school principal race to the door. I thought how cute and sweet the whole thing was.

And they did it again the next day.

So when I picked her up, I asked, "Do you and Ms. Margaret race everyday?"

Isabelle: Yes

Katie: Do you win everyday?

Isabelle: Duh.

Katie: Does she let you win or do you win?

Isabelle: I win.

Hmmm. Given that Ms. Margaret is in great shape, I highly doubt this.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Because my five year old is addicted to winning. I think I may have to start taking her to meetings.

Everything is a competition. It drives me crazy.

So I said, "Isabelle I would be a failure of a parent if I sent you out into this world with you thinking that are going to win everything. Worse yet, have an EXPECTATION that you are ENTITLED to win everything."

Isabelle: Huh?

Katie: You aren't going to win every race, defeat every problem and come out on top of every situation.

Isabelle: I don't get it.

Katie: You are going to lose at some point. We all do.

Isabelle: I lost once. When Uncle Ryan and I played the slugbug game.

Katie: Yes! That's a great example of adversary.

Isabelle: But that was because he cheated.

Katie: Oh M Ba Gee Gee. I don't think you get it.

Isabelle: He cheats. If he sees them first, he just takes them instead of letting me see them. And then he gets all of them and I have none.

I will have to fall back on to my brother-in-law to teach my child the lesson of losing. I know that he will never give her a pity win. He doesn't even give his own child a pity Tic-Tac-Toe victory.

Until then I will continue to point out the slugbugs until she gets them. And listen to her complain that Cambri always copies her.

Yes, I know. I am part of the problem.

I can't help it. She's my baby.

I Still Miss My Mommy

Wow this blog is getting boring for me to read. So I  can only imagine what you, my faithful reader, think.

I will try harder. I will work harder. I can be better. I promise.

But for today, I have had to go back. I have had a post brewing about my mom. And I have to get if off my chest.

Can I have one more day to bore you? Please?

I think when you lose someone, you subconsciously start looking for signs that would give some kind of indication that they are still with you. Somehow.

And I see my mom in the clouds.

I took this while driving 80 miles an hour out the window. So obviously it doesn't capture really how beautiful it truly was.You will have to take my word for it.

Before you call the loony bin and have me carted off, I really don't mean literally see my mom in the clouds. It's a very figurative feeling peeps. But there is something so heavenly about a good cloud scene that I can clearly picture my mom in heaven, sitting at the base of the throne. In the presence of Jesus, loving him with her whole heart.

And in that moment, if even only for an instant, I feel happiness. And thankful that I KNOW I will see her again. I can't wait. And happy that she is in a perfect place and no longer deals with trivial matters of this world.

So you can imagine how much I love the clouds. I feel very peaceful looking at the clouds.

It's my new happy place. I finally traded in that old beach mental picture that I have carried for years.

Another funny thing about losing a loved one is that you stop fearing death. I don't know that I ever really feared it. I probably just didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it.

But now I can say I'm ready. Whenever. Wherever.

Until then, I have been working on me.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I pray for people who have lost both parents.

Or buried a child.

Instead of dwelling on the feeling that I don't have anyone that specifically has a vested interest in ME, I remember the parent I do have left. And I know he would do anything for me. And I give myself a mental slap for being so selfish.

Instead of remembering my mom and crying, I remember her and how wonderful she was and I smile. And I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude that she was my mom and that I got to experience her goodness for 26 years. Because some people don't even get that in their lifetime. The sacrifices she made (some of which I can barely start to fathom) blow my mind. I see other parents on a daily basis who wouldn't do that for their kids. To be honest, I can't judge because I don't even know what I would do. Would I be that selfless? I would like to think so but who knows?

So I guess I can say that some healing is taking place. It takes time. So much more time than I probably would have ever allotted for somebody else had I not understood. I hope that I can ask forgiveness of these people someday. Seriously.

So another grateful item of note. I have an amazeballs husband who has cried many a tear with me. I have an awesome sister that I miss with my whole heart now that she lives so far away but who is always up for a chat when I'm down. And I'm going to stop listing because I will forget someone. But there is a long list of family, in-laws included, and friends who have stood by me.

Even when I probably wasn't that fun to stand by. Namely because I have had several breakdowns in the presence of these people. In private and in very public places.

And they have always stayed. And to my knowledge never expessed my freak-of-natureness to other people. Even if they thought it in their heads.

So I owe a lot thank yous.

Thank you.Thank you. Thank you.

If I see you in public and don't thank you, then feel free to slap me. I give you permission.

Puss In Boots Birthday Party

Oh M Ba Gee Gee! Izzy went to the most rocking birthdy party this past weekend.

I seriously didn't want to leave.

We got the most adorable movie ticketesque invitation to a party at Edwards Theater and Izzy was super excited.

Of course I missed the RSVP date and had to make a semifrantic phone call, begging for them to take pity on us.

Which they graciously did.

When we arrived it took about two seconds for me to realize this wasn't the normal cake-and-ice-cream type of party.

This was a party. A party. A PARTY!

There was a greeting table with a hat, cape and mask for each child. Plus an envelope filled with tokens for each kid to use at the arcade.

And an official Edwards employee was walking around taking concession orders. Anything they wanted. Including lunch in addition to the usual movie goodies.

And then they got a tour of the behind the scenes goings on of the theater. They got to see the entire second floor where they store the film and other stuff the public doesn't get to see.

And all of this even before the movie started. The private viewing of Puss in Boot in 3D. What a fun idea.

When I came to pick her up, I had to ride the elevator up and the setup there was awesomesauce.

There was a three foot cake of Puss in Boots that I would have bet was a statue. It was that real and well done.

As we thanked our host, she handed Isabelle a box with a custom key chain with her name on it. Inside was a huge assortment of pencils, tattoos, stickers and other knickknacks.

Can I get a party like this for my next birthday?

Puhhhleeeeeeaase??!!?!?

Jealous Much?

It's Izzzzzzyyyyy time.

How any of you missed the stories of this precocious little girl? I have one for you.

I was standing at Izzy's school when Izzy's friend's Dad approached me and said, "I have to tell you what McKinley said this morning."

Immediately my heart sunk. I have been here before peeps. I have been here before.

He said as he was trying to get them out the door, he handed McKinley her boots that are identical to a pair that Isabelle owns and loves to wear. McKinley got a worried look on her sweet face and said, "Ummm I guess I can wear those today."

He replied, "Can't you wear those everyday?"

"Well Izzy said we can only wear them together sometimes because it makes us look like twins and if we do it too often people will start to be jealous."

My mouth dropped open. Good thing he was laughing.

I swear I don't know where she gets this stuff.

The only other thing I was thinking but couldn't bring myself to say was I am sure. 100% sure.

Beyond 100% sure.

That it NEVER occurred to Izzy to limit how often she wears the boots. If I know that little girl than I know that thought never crossed her mind.

That's not how she rolls.

She rolls out in pink boots everyday.

Go Back in time and tell yourself Happy Halloween from us

I know Halloween was like four days ago. But bear with me. I do things late peeps. That's how I roll.

Does it seem to anyone else that kids these days wear their Halloween costumes like 15 times before the big day? I can't even keep up with it. So I gave up.

We pretty much wore whatever was most closely at hand. We seriously left our accessories all over town. And switched costumes frequently with the interchangeable "dress up" clothes.

Thank goodness for little girls.

One of the highlights of our year was Boo at the Zoo. I helped organize a booth for the Montessori school, so the whole family headed down with me one night. And I only got one picture. Sad day in the Burke house. Cambri and Mia aren't even featured. But it gets so crazy down there, you can't even move. I hate that feeling.

And I got to enjoy the annual Leaf parade at Izzy's school. How often do I get to watch  my baby walk around with a paper pate in front of her face? Not very often because Chuck doesn't even let us buy paper and glass doesn't have the same effect.

Isn't she cute? Hair messy? Or course.

But still cute. 

And since I seem to being recapping the month without really intending to, I better go all the way back. Two of my nieces and one of my nephews had a birthday in October. We made cards to mail to Denver because we didn't get to see Braxton. I think that's only the second birthday we have ever missed and it was so sad. 



But Jade and Mia's birthdays followed shortly. And I didn't get one photo of the wonderful party. But it was super fun. And I made the invitation.

Overall, a fun time in the Burke house. Fun times. 

Bad Month

If I have any readers left, then I need to apologize! I had a bad month!

Not only because I am a bad mom or had a horrible blogging month.

I had a bad month. Period.

Chase's 14-year-old cousin lost his battle with lymphoma. Watching two parents bury their baby changes you in a way that you will never recover from. The injustice of a fallen world is enough to take your breath away. It was a heart wrenching experience for us and we weren't burying our oldest child.

Luckily our children were well behaved on the way down to Salt Lake City. Yeah Cambri watched a movie through the sleeve of her coat. But she did it quietly. You can do anything in our house if you do it quietly.

The funeral on the other hand was another story. Here is a small selection of the hundred of photos Izzy took on my phone while she waited with Grandma and Cambri out in the hall.

Izzy was the good one. It was Cambri who had to go because she was insistent on running up and down our row, screaming "I win, I lose. I win, I lose." She means "I win, you lose" but her understanding of correctly used pronouns escapes her limited knowledge of the English language at this point.

Izzy eventually had to join her because her distraught crying was distracting other people who were grieving. I love the empathy that my five-year-old has. It's a quality I hope she never loses.

Austin was a sweet soul who will be missed. Will you pray for his family? They are starting a very difficult "new chapter" and they need all the help they can get.



Bad Moms Unite

Hi! My name is Katie and I'm a mom.

Not always a good one. Sometimes I have off moments.

Off days.

And yes, off months.

This has been one of those months.

So I guess you could say that I'm a bad mom.

When people set off to have kids, very few, if any, say, "Wow, I really want to be a bad mom. I hope my kids fall apart in my care and hate me for the rest of my life."

I know I didn't. But I'm feeling pretty bad right now.

On Monday, Cambri poured rubbing alcohol directly into her eyes. They swelled shut and the screaming ensued.

I kept my cool. Everytime she opened her eyes between screams, I literally unleashed a glass full of water onto her eyes (as well as hair, face and clothes etc. etc.)

And then I called poison control and they reassured me that my child wouldn't face a lifetime of blindness because her mother's careless mistake of leaving an upopened bottle on the counter of the bathroom.

But I had to put her in the shower for 15 mintues and keep a cool washcloth on her eyes for an hour.

Restraining a two year old for an HOUR is a difficult task. But I managed.

But her eyes were a puffy red for the next two days.

The very next day, Izzy drug Cam Cam across the carpet and rug burned her stomach and both elbows. It's kind of healed in this picture. It wasn't pretty. 



Seriously, my poor baby loos beat up. Luckily the black eye she got in the shower a couple of weeks back had healed before any of this.

But here, my friends, is the worst of the worse. The cream of the crop.

At the end of this horrific week, Cam Cam wrapped the blind cord around her neck and jumped. It wasn't pretty.

As you can see. 

I'm suprised that my kids still love.

We Love SSIISSSIIIEEESSS

Wow that picture is crappy. But the moment was so sweet, I had to share!

On with the story :)

Sisters are so much fun. I love it! But I'm not going to lie, it can be a ton of work.

Especially when you feel like no one is listening and you are constantly wondering if you are here only for your own entertainment.

Because it doesn't matter what you say, these little girls seem to do what they want.

So tonight, I kinda had it when I put the girls to bed and they actually started fighting over who got to pray first.

This isn't a proud moment but I just got up and walked out. I scrapped the whole idea. 

A few minutes later when I walked by, I heard Izzy praying with Cambri. And I was so touched that I feel a little guilty about giving up so easily.

Izzy had taken my spot and was walking through it with Cambri repeating after her.

Until I heard, "God, Mommy is mean. Can you work on that?" And all I heard from Cam is "Mommy mean. Work."

SSSIIIIGGGGHHH

But honestly peeps, I need moments like this. I need to "see" God working on this planet.

Because I never know when the moment is going to hit.

When I'm going to flashback to the hospital room where I last spoke to my mom while she was conscious.

The scared look she had on her face because the stroke had ruined her ability to understand what was going on around her.

And that look is the last memory I have of my mom alive.

When it's going to hit me that my youngest daughter will have no memories of my mother and the ones that Izzy has have already started to fade.

When I realize that I'm going to live the majority of my life without her.

So you see peeps, it's really the small things that keep me going. These things give me hope to a greater place.



SPAN Idaho (with love)

Did you know that you can make a difference in someone's life? You can save the one. Literally. It's the little things peeps.

Sometimes it feels hard but with a little compassion, we can change an outcome. When Paula and I heard that Idaho's Suicide Pervention Action Network was having an awareness walk, we thought it would a great opportunity to pass the message on to our kids. That you can be a vital component in giving someone hope.

And it really was. Except for the loud people participating.

Oh wait, that was our kids. 

As you can tell, my photo documenation of the event is lacking. I could have tried harder.

But I can say that I honestly felt a lot of hope as we walked around Community Part. A lot of people, along with city council members and, most importantly, people who have been directly affected by suicide showed up. People that honestly wanted to "save the one."

At the end of the walk, survivors lit a candle for their lost ones. The ones that can no longer be saved but are in a better place.

So let's challege each other peeps. What can we do to inspire hope today?

Epileptic Defect Dolphin Thrashes Around

Oh M Ba Gee Gee. I had good intentions.

And of course, that is never a good way to start a story. You, my astute reader, surely picked up on that.

I planned a really fun night for me and the girls. A mommy-daughter date of sorts. Dinner and a movie.

The whole thing started out rocky because Izzy bailed on me to go hang out with her cousin. I adjusted and rescheduled. I'm flexible like that.

So the next day, we got up and went to lunch. When that portion of our day ended with Cambri eating popcorn off the floor, I should have gone home.

The girls did not even attempt to be good during lunch. There was fighting, crawling under and OVER the table, demanding spoons when forks had already been provided and just behaving poorly in general. And yet, I thought that it would be a good idea to continue on with the planned activities.

Hello, Katie, have you met your children or do you need to be checked into BHC ASAP?

Onward with the story.

We arrived at the movie after making a quick pit stop at the store. I told the girls to keep the treats on the DL because bringing in your own stuff is sort of frowned on. I may have glossed over that it is really is a socially acceptable form of shoplifting.

But Izzy caught on and asked me with her big blue eyes, "If it's against the rules Mommy, then why are we doing it?"

Schooled by a five year old.

So we left the goodies in the car. Except for the diet coke. I mean, I'm only human and I'm addicted.

After purchasing our tickets and escorting the newly potty trained two year old to the restroom, we went to the try to find seats.

But only after Izzy stops the floor sweeper and told him that we snuck in.

You see, it was rather early in the day and the lady who sold us tickets also ripped them off as no one was at the door. And this was unacceptable to the child who gets a big thrill out of handing the tickets to the usher.

So of course, this employee gives me the stare down. And I tried to laugh it off, but it came across as very awkward. Naturally.

But we worked through that and went to sit down. At the very top of the theater. Which wasn't bad in the beginning but by the FOURTH bathroom trip, I was over it.

As we were waiting for the movie to start, I pulled out my beverage. And this started the frantic screaming of how I was breaking the rules. And trust me when I say, the theater was packed and everyone turned around to try and catch a glimpse of the freak show.

I was already exasperated and the movie hadn't even begun. I should have left right then.

But I didn't.

The thing about Cam Cam at the movies is she is very hit or miss. We have been to several movies this summer and I would say 60% of the time, she was ok. I mean most of these movies were part of the kid series at the cheap theater.

And when your kid wanders down to the front and tries to touch the screen, you don't feel so bad when the rest of the audience only paid $.50 to be there.

Like I said, Ok most of the time.

This was NOT one of those times. Like the title depicts, if I had not seen the trailers, I would assume that this movie was about a rabid animal that was taking over the world one awkward looking child at a time based on how much of it I saw.

Potty break after potty break. Mind you, no activity happened during any of these trips. Just Cambri wanting to run around like a demon baby.

So finally I tell her no more. She could pee her pants for all I cared.

And then Izzy had to go. And for the FIRST time in her entire life, she needed me to go with her. Even though we were in the theater directly across from the bathrooms.

I don't know what was more distracting as we walked out this time. Cambri stopping at some random dude's seat to share his popcorn or Izzy's extremely bright light shoes going off at every step.

We finally get back to our seats. And I start to smell something.

Cambri pooped her pants.

I am not even joking.

I grabbed her and ran to the bathroom. As we walk in the door, I am stripping off her pants and I just threw the underwear away.

And it took every ounce of positive energy I had not to drop Cambri right in after it.

She seriously thought this whole thing was hysterical.

We get into a stall and I assess the damage. I'm going to need paper towels and lots of them. Oh, but Edwards in their bout to save the environment one crappy paper towel at a time, only has hand dryers.

So I attempt to take toilet paper and clean the mess up. It wasn't working, I needed water.

It was ooohhhh so tempting to just scoop up some toilet water but of course I couldn't do that. Even to my demon baby.

But the more she moved, the bigger the mess was. So I grabbed the smelly baby, flipped her over so her stinky butt was like 6 inches away from my face and headed to the sink.

Cambri was laughing so hard at this point, hanging upside down, that she couldn't even breathe.

Oh M Ba Gee Gee. I was beside myself at this point.

But when I got done, I was calmed. Until I got back in the theater, I found Izzy running up and down the stairs calling out for me. Her Twinkle Toe Skechers are enough to send an epileptic directly into seizure mode after one step. And she was literally moving up and down, lighting up the entire place.

If you are even a recreational reader of this blog, you know that Izzy doesn't need me vey often. Or at all. EVER.

I gave up. I sat down and almost started crying.

But life goes on. Even in this crazy house.

In fact, right now, I am sitting here on the couch, eating a cupcake, laughing my booty off at the season premiere of Kendra. Her neighbors covered her house in foreclosure notices. So funny!

I'm barely even remembering my tragic movie experience.

For now.



Kindeygarten Up Close & Personal

The above picture was Izzy last year on her first day of preschool.

This picture is her on her fist day of kindergarten.

These pictures are a reflection of why I'm freaking out. My baby doesn't need me anymore. Well she needs me to provide electrcity and the internet but other than that...

I was so proud when I dropped her off because she was so excited and vibrant. I knew that even though it would be a 7 hour school day, she would excel. As I watched her walk around and greet her classmates, I was very proud. She displayed no fear, trepidation or any other fancy word you want me to spit out at you.

I want to be like that. So that means I have something to learn from her. Which I think is a good feeling for any parent. When you realize a life that you have molded has the ability to teach you something.

Her baby sister does need her still. She sat outside for about an hour waiting for Izzy to "mere."

A.k.a. Baby talk for come here.

Cambri also started dance class on Izzy's first day of school. This experience was something I wasn't used to.

She cried the ENTIRE time.

I watched her through a two way mirror and it was an incredibly painful experience. I wanted to go in and scoop her up but refrained because I want her to realize it would be ok.

But I did text Chasey my excitement that someone still needed me. I mean I am human.

And Cambri cried for me! Yay!

But she's is still going back next week.

Guess Who's Growin' Up?

My little baby turned two and all of a sudden, she is big and her own little person. She can even use the potty! Diapers are over for me! This is the bestest thing ever.

And this little grown up wanted her ears pierced.

So we headed to Claire's. And I gave her ample warning that this was gonna hurt. Her big sister even tried to talk her out of it.

But she was determined. She kept trying to shove earrings in her lobes in an attempt to perform an at-home-with-no-proper-sterilization procedure.

But she got over it very quickly. And now she walks around showing everyone her "ears pierced."

Which is a fancy word for earrings. 

We Heart Country Life

Country life has agreed with us. Actually living with another adult kind of agrees with me. I'm getting kinda addicted to my dad because it's so nice to have some help while the hubby is on the road.

But we have been picking berries.

And making jam with Grandma Great.

And taking long walks as a family. Through the country streets. Things move at a simpler pace out in the sticks.

But best of all, we are learning to ride. Dogs.

That part isn't going as well. 

Boise- More Like Girlse

My sister lives in IL and I don't hardly ever get to see her. So when she said she was heading to Boise for a wedding and wanted us to meet her there, I said "Hells Yeah!"

And I got to babysit this little bundle for the first few days. Along with his big sister. Just in case any of you are wondering. Four kids are A LOT of work.

And being that it was the week before Izzy turned five, I booked a surprise party at Build-A-Bear. Let me tell you, it was a good time. If you can, you should have a birthday party at Build-A-Bear because it is super fun. Even if you are turning 25. It's that fun. They really go all out to make sure everyone is having a good time. Even when your "party" is only three girls and a baby.

 

But when my sister got back on the same day that my hubby flew in. And she volunteered to watch the kids so we could go out.

Oh M Ba Gee Gee we had a good time. I seriously forgot how much fun it is to get out and enjoy my cute hubby without grubby hands attached to dreadlocks demanding your every ounce of attention.

It was kind of addicting. I didn't want to go home at the end of the night.

So we went to the movies.

And we made out the whole time. Super fun.

And while we know ground planking is lame, we couldn't help it.

And being that it was my little niece Marley who officially renamed it Girlse. Only fair right? It's been Boise for far too long according to this little princess.

And seriously I was joking about the making out at the movies. I mean we were practically grandparents compared to the other patrons at the 10:15 showing of Crazy, Stupid Love. I don't even remember the movie because I was half asleep due to old age.

Life is good.